Category Archives: Jokes

Light Bulb Jokes 3

Today's category: Questions
Light Bulb Jokes 3
1. How many Psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
– Choose any number you like, but first you must make sure the light bulb WANTS to change.
2. How many Computer Programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
– None, that's a hardware problem.
3. How many Telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb?
– One, but he has to do it while you're eating dinner.
4. How many Politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
– First it takes a probe to find out why the bulb burned out, a committee to study the cost of replacement, a liberal to make sure the bulb's civil rights aren't infringed, a conservative to sell the used bulbs to our enemies, and a president to explain to the tax payers why change is good.
5. How many Doctors does it take to change a light bulb?
– Well, it depends. How much insurance does the light bulb have?
6. How many Teamsters does it take to change a light bulb?
– FIFTEEN! YOU GOTTA PROBLEM WITH THAT?
7. How many Economists does it take to change a light bulb?
– None, they're waiting for the unseen hand of the market to correct the lighting disequilibrium.
8. How many Microsoft Engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
– None, they just redefine darkness as the new standard.
9. How many Lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
– Whereas the party of the first part, hereinafter referred to as the "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, hereinafter referred to as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to …(on and on, ad infinitum, ad nauseum)View hundreds more jokes online.
Email this joke to a friend

Where’s God

Today's category: God
Where's God
Two little boys were best friends at church, but they both had a reputation for getting into trouble. One Sunday, one of the boys was home sick, but the other boy, not wanting to let his friend down, was twice as bad as normal.
As he was running through the sanctuary after church, the pastor grabbed him and angrily said, "Where's God?!"
The little boy was frightened and didn't know what to say.
The pastor continued, "I want you to go home and think about it and I don't want you to come back until you can tell me where God is."
The boy went home and called his sick friend on the telephone. "Guess what," he said. "They've lost God, and they're trying to blame that one on us, too."View hundreds more jokes online.
Email this joke to a friend

Life as a Female Bear

Today's category: Animals
Life as a Female Bear
If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.
Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.
If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.
If you're a female bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.
I wanna be a bear.View hundreds more jokes online.
Email this joke to a friend

The Ventriloquist

Today's category: Blondes
The Ventriloquist
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of stupid blond jokes, when a big blond woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says: "I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blond jokes!
What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being?
It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person … because you and our kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large … all in the name of humor."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, but the blond stops him. "You stay out of this. Mister, I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!"View hundreds more jokes online.
Email this joke to a friend

Catch The Rabbit

Today's category: Cops
Catch The Rabbit
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"View hundreds more jokes online.
Email this joke to a friend

Bad Upgrade

Today's category: Wives
Bad Upgrade
Dear Technical Support,
Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.
In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Fishingweekend 10.3 and Bowlingbash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.
I can not seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me?
Jonathan Powell
To: Mr. Powell
This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES and ENTERTAINMENT" program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program from the system once it is installed. You can not go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system Look in your manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support.
I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire system regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur.
The best course of action will be to push apologize button, then reset button as soon as lock-up occurs. System will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPFs.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but is very high maintenance.
Tech SupportView hundreds more jokes online.
Email this joke to a friend

Improvements

Today's category: Politics
Improvements
The Old Cherokee Chief sat in his humble reservation hut smoking his ceremonial pipe and eyeing the two visiting U.S. Government officials who had been sent to interview his opinion of the white man's progress.
"Chief", one offical began, "you have observed the white man for many generations, you have seen his wars and his products — you have seen all his progress and his problems."
The Chief nodded "Yes".
The official continued, "Considering recent events, in your opinion, where has the white man gone wrong?"
The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied:
"When white found this land, Indians were running it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo. Plenty deer, turkey and beaver. Women did most of the cooking and crop work. Medicine man free to help sick. Indian men hunted and fished all the time. We never had cheating hushands and wives–we kill cheaters."
The Chief smiled and added quietly, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that!"View hundreds more jokes online.
Email this joke to a friend

Happy To Be A Guy

Today's category: Men vs. Women
Happy To Be A Guy
1) Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2) You know stuff about tanks.
3) A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
4) You can open all your own jars.
5) Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.
6) You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
7) You don't have to learn to spell a new last name.
8) You can leave the motel bed unmade.
9) You can kill your own food.
10) You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
11) Wedding plans take care of themselves.
12) If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
13) Your underwear is 10$ for a three-pack.
14) If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
15) Everything on your face stays its original color.
16) You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
17) Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
18) You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.
19) Car mechanics tell you the truth.
20) You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me."
21) Same work… more pay.
22) Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
23) Wedding dress – $2,000. Tuxedo rental – 75 bucks.
24) You don't mooch off other's desserts.
25) You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
26) If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
27) You pals can be trusted never to trap you with. "So, notice anything different?"
28) You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
29) You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
30) You almost never have strap problems in public.
31) You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
32) The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
33) You don't have to shave below your neck.
34) At least a few belches are expected and tolerated.
35) Your belly usually hides your big hips.
36) One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
37) You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
38) You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
39) Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.View hundreds more jokes online.
Email this joke to a friend

Gates Gets Punished

Today's category: Technology
Gates Gets Punished
Bill Gates suddenly dies and finds himself face to face with God. God stood over Bill Gates and said, "Well Bill, I'm really confused on this one. It's a tough decision; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95 among other indiscretions. I believe I'll do something I've never done before; I'll let you decide where you want to go."
Bill pushed up his glasses, looked up at God and replied, "Could you briefly explain the difference between the two?" Looking slightly puzzled, God said, "Better yet, why don't I let you visit both places briefly, then you can make your decision. Which do you choose to see first, Heaven or Hell?"
Bill played with his pocket protector for a moment, then looked back at God and said, "I think I'll try Hell first." So, with a flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke, Bill Gates went to Hell.
When he materialized in Hell, Bill looked around. It was a beautiful and clean place, a bit warm, with sandy beaches and tall mountains, clear skies, pristine water, and beautiful women frolicking about. A smile came across Bill's face as he took in a deep breath of the clean air. "This is great," he thought, "if this is Hell, I can't wait to see heaven."
Within seconds of his thought, another flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke appeared, and Bill was off to Heaven. Heaven was a place high above the clouds, where angels were drifting about playing their harps and singing in a beautiful chorus. It was a very nice place, Bill thought, but not as enticing as Hell.
Bill looked up, cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled for God and Bill Gates was sent to Hell for eternity.
Time passed, and God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was progressing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill Gates shackled to a wall in a dark cave amid bone thin men and tongues of fire, being burned and tortured by demons.
"So, how is everything going?" God asked.
Bill responded with a crackling voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! It's nothing like the Hell I visited the first time!! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to the other place….with the beaches and the mountains and the beautiful women?
"That was the demo," replied God.View hundreds more jokes online.
Email this joke to a friend

The Hamster and the Frog

Today's category: Animals
The Hamster and the Frog
A mangy looking guy walks into a very classy restaurant and orders a steak. The waitress says: "I'm sorry, but I don't think you can pay for your meal." The guy admits, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me my supper?"
The waitress, both curious and compassionate, says, "Only if what you show me isn't risqué."
"Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the ground and it runs across the room, directly to a piano. The hamster then proceeds to climb up the piano, and starts playing Gershwin songs.
The waitress says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy sits back and enjoys a fine steak supper with all the trimmings.
Shortly thereafter, he asks the waitress, "Can I have a piece of that fine blueberry pie I see on the dessert cart over there?" "Only if you got another miracle up your sleeve", says the waitress. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the table, and the frog starts to sing up a storm!
A stranger from a nearby table runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the restaurant with dollar signs in his eyes and a big smile on his face.
The waitress says to the guy "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions!"
"No", says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."View hundreds more jokes online.
Email this joke to a friend