Category Archives: Jokes

Engine Loss

Today's category: Pilots
Engine Loss
Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland. Fifteen minutes into the flight, the captain announced "One of the engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer. But don't worry we have three engines left".
Thirty minutes later, the captain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But don't worry we have two engines left".
An hour later the capain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be three hours longer. But don't worry we have one engine left".
One blonde looked at the other the other blonde and said "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day"View hundreds more jokes online.
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Athiest Holiday

Today's category: Christmas
Athiest Holiday
An atheist complained to a Christian friend, "You Christians have your special holidays, such as Christmas and Easter. Jews celebrate their national holidays, such as Passover and Yom Kippur. But we atheists have no recognized national holidays. It's unfair discrimination."
His friend replied, "Why don't you celebrate April first?"View hundreds more jokes online.
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The Lost Purse

Today's category: Christmas
The Lost Purse
A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm…. That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."
The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."View hundreds more jokes online.
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Husbands Faults

Today's category: Husbands
Husbands Faults
Wives have many faults. Husbands have only 2: everything they say and everything they do.
Husband: "This coffee isn't fit for a pig!"
Wife: "No problem. I'll get you some that is."
You really have to feel sorry for husbands.
They were given a brain and reproductive machinery but only enough blood to run one at a time.View hundreds more jokes online.
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Lawyer Quiz

Today's category: Lawyers
Lawyer Quiz
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep?
A: Because deep down, they are all nice guys!
Q: Have you heard about the lawyers' word processor?
A: No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print.
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand.
Q: What would happen if you lock a cannibal in a room full of lawyers?
A: He would starve to death.
Q: Did you hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
A: He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.
Q: Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer?
A: You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you'd been there eight hours.
Jury: Twelve men and women trying to decide which party has the best lawyer.View hundreds more jokes online.
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Stupid Criminals 3

Today's category: Crime
Stupid Criminals 3
Portsmouth, RI: Police charged Gregory Rosa, 25, with a string of vending machine robberies in January when he: 1. fled from police inexplicably when they spotted him loitering around a vending machine and 2. later tried to post his $400 bail in coins.
Lake City, Florida: Karen Lee Joachimi, 20, was arrested for robbery of a Howard Johnson's motel. She was armed with only an electric chainsaw, which was not plugged in.
Ann Arbor News (crime column): A man walked into Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7:50 am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
Bowling Green, Ohio, student Robert Ricketts, 19, had his head bloodied when he was struck by a Conrail train. He told police he was trying to see how close to the moving train he could place his head without getting hit.
In Wesley Chapel, Florida, Joseph Aaron, 20, was hit in the leg with pieces of the bullet he fired at the exhaust pipe of his car. When repairing the car, he needed to bore a hole in the pipe. When he couldn't find a drill, he tried to shoot a hole in it.
South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately.
Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled–leaving his wallet on the counter.
England: A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realizes that the tourist does not know what a "handicap" is. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does–backward! A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.
(Location Unknown): A man walked into a Circle-K (a convenience store similar to a 7-11), put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled– leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.
Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a check–a *forged* check. He got 10 years.
(Location Unknown): A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head–and realized that he'd forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask.View hundreds more jokes online.
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Phone Phun

Today's category: Technology
Phone Phun
Have you ever had a hard time pushing your way through one of those phone voice mail systems? If you've had to use more that two or three of them in one day, you probably need help from the Psychiatric Hot Line.
Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hot Line
–If you are obsessive compulsive, please press 1…repeatedly.
–If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
–If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
–If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
–If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
–If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.View hundreds more jokes online.
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Direct Diagnosis

Today's category: Doctors
Direct Diagnosis
Judy rushed in to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?"
The doctor looks her over for a couple of moments, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."View hundreds more jokes online.
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First Football Game

Today's category: Blondes
First Football Game
A guy takes his blonde girlfriend to a football game for the first time. After the game he asked her how she liked the game.
"Oh, I really liked it," she said, "but I just couldn't understand though why they were killing each other for 25 cents."
"What do you mean?"
"All they kept screaming was: Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!"View hundreds more jokes online.
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The Taxman

Today's category: Crime
The Taxman
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.), but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"
The man replied, "I work for the IRS."View hundreds more jokes online.
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