Category Archives: Spoof News

Revealed: Donald Trump’s ‘Type’

Revealed: Donald Trump’s ‘Type’

June 25, 2019 – BREAKING NEWS, POLITICS, WORLD NEWS

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PRESIDENT Donald Trump has responded to the latest allegations of sexual assault by stating in very frank terms that his accuser ‘is not his type’ when it comes to sexual assault, which seems to us to be a pretty watertight defence against claims of impropriety.

But if E. Jean Carroll, or indeed any of the 15 other women who have claimed they were sexually assaulted by Trump are all ‘not his type’, then who is? Could you be? Let’s investigate.

1) He likes blondes

Trump seems to have a penchant for blondes, so if you’re blonde then it stands to reason you’re off to a start. We won’t say good start, but, y’know. E. Jean Carroll herself is blonde, but if Trump claims she’s not his type then maybe it’s only some blondes? Maybe he takes things on a blonde by blonde basis?

2) He likes non-famous people

As witnessed in the ‘when you’re famous, they let you do anything’ speech, a presidential speech which rivals Lincoln’s ‘four score and seven years’ shite. From this, we can learn that Trump’s type includes women impressed by his wealth and fame… so pretty much everyone, right? Look at how much wealth and fame he has! What woman wouldn’t be able to overlook everything else, to get themselves a piece of that?

3) He likes his daughters

Yeah… yeah.

Conclusion

If you’re young, blond, not famous, and a secret daughter of Donald Trump, then there’s a better than average chance that you’re his type. Otherwise, we do not believe any claims that you make against him. Keep your preposterous nonsense to yourself!

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Tags: america, instant, news, politics, trump

Original Article

The Truth Behind The Johnson Argument

The Truth Behind The Johnson Argument

June 24, 2019 – BREAKING NEWS, POLITICS, WORLD NEWS

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THE PAST weekend Tory leadership favourite Boris Johnson has been systematically targeted by the gutter press who will stop at nothing in their campaign to just sit back and let him fuck it up all by himself.

Before pulling out from the Sky News debate, and long after failing to pull out of any woman able to produce a child, Boris Johnson was hitting the headlines after police were called to a ‘domestic incident’ at the home of his partner, Carrie Symonds.

WWN has navigated through the mist cast by the puerile left-wing tabloid press to get to the innocent truth of just exactly what happened:

“You have no care for money or anything” – these were just some of the words uttered by Johnson’s partner Symonds, but the full context is what’s truly important. Symonds was shouting at Johnson because as Prime Minister he said he would wipe out the national debt, reinvest in the NHS to the tune of €40 billion, re-nationalise rail companies and erase poverty. But no, you don’t see the biased press reporting that, do you?

“Get off my fucking laptop” – Johnson is heard to shout, however, a man’s internet search history is the most private and sacred of things and Symonds, in another world with just laws, would be sentenced to life in prison for even attempting to get near a man’s laptop.

Clear banging and crashing sounds were heard coming from the apartment but we now know Johnson was in the middle of receiving cymbols and drumming lesson in the same room he stores piles of fine china.

“You just don’t care for anything because you’re spoilt” – Symonds is also heard to say on the recording, but Context. Is. Everything. She also went on to say “does your asshole get jealous of all the shit that comes out of your mouth? You couldn’t manage a fucking lighthouse, Boris. I know you were dropped on your head as a child but could you ring your parents, I want an exact number. You’re about as much use as a chocolate teapot. You couldn’t be trusted to find sand in a desert.

“Making love to you is like watching Coronation Street, you don’t want to do it but when there’s fuck all else on it helps to pass the time. Why can’t you act like the dog you are and find a shed to go slink under and die. In case this isn’t sinking into your wafer thing skull, and I think you’re an irredeemable twat and you have the intellectual capacity of a crab.”

The Guardian chose to just report on a section of the full quote to make it look a certain way. Shame on them. The Remain nutjobs at the Marxist paper also left out the fact that we’re probably all living in a simulation so technically none of this truly took place.

The BBC also reported on the incident which is laughable because Jimmy Saville worked there once. Need we say more.

To suggest domestic violence occurs in Tory voters homes is ludicrous, it only happens among working class savages.

Clear evidence the public have no interest in this nonsense and just want Boris to get on with the business of securing the hardest, most economically devastating Brexit possible came in the form of one tweet from a Russian bot with 4 followers that said “So what if Boris had a domestic. Still the man for the job”. Proof we need to move on.

Elsewhere, fellow Tory leader candidate Jeremy Hunt was caught out by his neighbours who obtained a disturbing recording of a curiously monotone, unaggressive and excruciatingly boring Hunt say “I love you dearest” at an acceptable volume level.

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Tags: brexit, britain, instant, news, politics

Original Article

WWN’s Weekend Sport Recap

WWN’s Weekend Sport Recap

June 24, 2019 – BREAKING NEWS, Sports, WORLD NEWS

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ANOTHER WEEKEND, another action-packed 48 hours filled with sporting delight. WWN was there for every kick of a ball, stride of a leg, puff of cheeks, vomit on side of pitch because you decided to go out the night before and really don’t have the lungs for Sunday league anymore.

Catch up with WWN Sports, we’ve got all your sport action right here:

After extensive couple counselling sessions Roy Keane and Martin O’Neill announced their intention to consciously uncouple with Keane leaving Nottingham Forest.

Stating his desire to return to management, Keane would be the ideal man to whip some people into shape; the staff in Starbucks who can’t spell names correctly, or turning to a life as a chef where losing your temper and screaming and shouting at people is viewed as an asset.

The women’s world cup has roared into the knockout phase but descended into farce and controversy during England’s 3-0 victory over Cameroon. Cameroon’s players appeared to stage an on-field strike, refusing to play on after the awarding of England’s second goal via VAR.

Some people have suggested this was a pre-planned strike after the players began carrying placards “no way, we won’t play”, “no play without VAR representation” and “Phil Neville, really? Was no one else available?”

Transfer watch: Neymar is set to rejoin Barcelona in a deal reportedly worth in excess of €150 million or in plain terms: one-third of a Wes Hoolahan.

In GAA, Dublin emerged unlikely Leinster football champions this year. The GAA, seeking to save time, handed over the trophy to Dublin before their match against Meath, which saw the Dubs run out winners by a margin so large the actual number hasn’t been invented yet.

Elsewhere provincial championships threw up yet more upsets as Donegal and Kerry triumphed against the odds. Fans have been put on high alert for a ‘Joe Brolly being controversial for the sake of it’ newspaper column.

The cricket World Cup is in full flow, but, c’mon, nobody watches that.

Openly homophobic Australian rugby player Israel Falou made headlines again after the launch of a GoFundMe campaign aimed at raising funds for his legal defence after having his contract terminated for being openly homophobic.

Falou’s pleading for funds appeared alongside campaigns from desperate parents seeking money for lifesaving operations for their sick children, leading people to observe that perhaps the ‘devout Christian’ Falou is kind of a dick.

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Tags: instant, ireland, news, sport

Original Article

“I’ll War Next Term, Promise”

“I’ll War Next Term, Promise”

June 24, 2019 – BREAKING NEWS, WORLD NEWS

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DEFENDING his cautious approach to the downing of a military surveillance drone over Iranian waters last week, US President Donald Trump reassured National Security Adviser John Bolton that he will definitely war next term and that he’s just “isn’t feeling Iran at the moment”.

Calling off a military airstrike on Thursday against Iran at the last minute, the President said he had a busy schedule of golf and late night twitter rants lined up and couldn’t fully commit to a war right now, but to “bare with him”.

“This was exciting. It really was. Drone shot down. An international incident. We should have warred. I get it” Mr. Trump told the assembled media at the White House, flanked by unimpressed Mark Twain descendant, John Bolton.

“Venezuela was boring; regime changes are old,” the president defended his sudden disinterest with the South American country last month, “I’m looking for a good war. The best. Something unique. Trust me, next term we’ll war hugely. I don’t know with who yet. Maybe China, who knows. Wait till you see this war… oh boy”.

Slamming the lack of response over the downed drone, former US President Barack Obama called Donald Trump weak and unable to make the tough decisions needed for leadership.

“I would have blitzed Iran for killing droney,” said a teary eyed Obama, now caressing an image of the $118 million RQ-4A Global Hawk BAMS-D, “It was just spying for targets to strike, nothing else. Trump is a coward for not ordering young men and women to kill innocent people”.

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Tags: instant, iran, trump

Original Article

Tory Contest Down To Final Two Incompetents

Tory Contest Down To Final Two Incompetents

June 21, 2019 – BREAKING NEWS, POLITICS, WORLD NEWS

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THE Tory leadership is entering its final, deeply disconcerting and depressing stages as party MPs have selected Boris Johnson and Jeremy Hunt as the best and final two incompetents that will be tasked with becoming prime minister and further plunging Britain into the nightmare it shows little willingness to wake from.

Recent changes to how Tory leadership contestants are run means candidates accrued points by demonstrating clearly how unfit they are for a position of such responsibility and importance, resulting in Johnson installing himself as the overwhelming favourite for the job of PM.

“They couldn’t be more different, and by different I obviously mean exactly the same,” a political expert remarked of the two Oxford educated, independently wealthy middle-aged men who have skirted around the edges of breaking the law countless times, bringing their party into disrepute and pissing against the wind and calling it a ‘Brexit plan’.

“Now in fairness to Jeremy, he isn’t a bigot or at least he’s better at hiding it,” explained one proud Tory MP, taking a break from body slamming women peacefully protesting Climate Change inaction.

Some members of the general public in Britain began celebrating wildly as the news filtered in of the identities of the final two candidates, but this has subsequently been explained as a misunderstanding as they focused on the words ‘Hunt Johnson’ and, in their excitement, took it too literally.

“Aw, I got the bloodhounds out for nothing,” one disappointed man remarked.

The final selection process will occur on the 22nd of July, when Tory party members will be tasked with switching off their brains and pretending like this is a good idea.

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Tags: brexit, britain, instant, news, politics

Original Article

US Military Suffering From Chronic Case Of Blue Balls

US Military Suffering From Chronic Case Of Blue Balls

June 21, 2019 – BREAKING NEWS, WORLD NEWS

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MEDICAL professionals are concerned for the US military which is reportedly suffering from a chronic case of blue balls, owing to the fact they can’t remember the last time ground troops were allowed to empty themselves out all over the territory of a sovereign nation.

“It’s worse than I could have ever managed,” explained Dr. Hal Easton, examining how engorged US warheads had become in the wake of a US drone being shot down by Iran over the Strait of Hormuz.

“Wait a minute, you’re telling me you haven’t properly invaded somewhere since 200-and-fucking-3? You know you’re supposed to do this at least once every 5 years, I’m surprised those things haven’t fallen off,” added Dr. Easton as he examined US military private after private after private.

Recently, a turgid US Air Force and tumescent US Navy were seen writhing around awkwardly, trying and failing to suppress and disguise the bulge on their trigger fingers. While the US has provided arms, air and tactical support to invading forces of other countries it has failed to start fresh wars itself, but critics believe blue balls or not, the military should stay bored and engorged.

“Sooo original, going to war over oil. Does America have any idea how much of a cliche that is,” mused one doctor who is of the opinion blue balls isn’t a real thing.

Senior US military officials have denied reaching out to the CIA for a reach around in the form of some crates marked ‘definitely real WMDs just like in Iraq’ being dropped into some basement somewhere in Iran.

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Tags: america, instant, news, politics, war

Original Article

“If I Apologised For Everything, We’d Be Here All Day”

“If I Apologised For Everything, We’d Be Here All Day”

June 20, 2019 – BREAKING NEWS, POLITICS, WORLD NEWS

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US President Donald Trump has drawn a line under any apologies that the public may expect him to give, stating that there’s only so many hours in a day to get work done as a president without all this ‘atonement’ bullshit.

The president made the statement following a question from a journalist surrounding Trump’s campaign in the 80s for the death penalty against the Central Park 5, five young black men who were wrongfully detained for up to 13 years for the rape of a woman in New York.

Asked if he would issue an apology for his public campaign, which included a full-page ads in several newspapers calling for the execution of the men, Trump laughed it off and asked ‘what would you like me to apologise for after that?’

“The pussy grabbing? The election shit with Russia? I have work to do, I can’t be up here apologising for everything!” said Trump, seemingly annoyed at the notion that he would have to answer for his actions.

“Presidenting is way harder than you think. I have to walk from here to way over there, just to be in my office. You expect me to do that, and apologise for nearly having 5 young black men killed? Come on now, let’s be realistic. I’m way too busy, and they’re way too not white”.

Trump then went on to spend five hours tweeting about how great his decision to not apologise was, backing it up with claims that everyone loves how good at not apologising he is.

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Tags: centralpark5, instant, netflix, news, politics, trump

Original Article

‘MeToo’ Claims Another Innocent Man Brought Down By Multiple Victims & Verifiable Accounts

‘MeToo’ Claims Another Innocent Man Brought Down By Multiple Victims & Verifiable Accounts

June 19, 2019 – BREAKING NEWS, ENTERTAINMENT, WORLD NEWS

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SINCE the so-called #MeToo era emerged, the same regrettable pattern has replicated itself; innocent men in the entertainment industry are framed thanks to long standing rumours everyone was aware of, admissions of their own guilt and verified accounts of abusive behaviour.

Each day, the feminist agenda reaches a new low in its attempts to bring down men; specifically ones there is an overwhelming body of evidence against. Where will this all end? With people experiencing the consequences of their actions? We here at WWN’s Actually, Not All Men Awareness Group (ANAMAG) shudder to think.

The latest real victim in this unrelenting bitch hunt is screenwriter Max Landis, known for Chronicle, the Will Smith starring Netflix movie Bright, Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency and nothing else because he’s done now.

In our attempts to get to the truth behind innocent men being brought down by multiple victims and their verifiable accounts, we turned to an expert; that one person in comment sections whose avatar is a picture of a car they don’t own that oddly never believes victims no matter the circumstances.

“Victims, who have no previous connection to one another, come forward separately and independently, sharing their accounts which are then only published by journalists when they meet a credible threshold and can be verified…sounds like the definition of an unfounded lie, right?” explained the anonymous man, who asked us politely not to look to deeply into why he was so troubled by these men being found out.

Sounding a cautionary note, Anonyman concluded “how long has it been since this MeToo business all kicked off? It’s a sad state of affairs that after the vast, vast majority of these claims have proven to be true, victims are still being listened to and believed.”.

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Tags: hollywood, instant, news

Original Article

World Urges Capable Politicians With Sensible Hair To Come Forward

World Urges Capable Politicians With Sensible Hair To Come Forward

June 19, 2019 – BREAKING NEWS, POLITICS, WORLD NEWS

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A SHORTAGE of intelligent politicians with sensible haircuts has led to the declaration of a ‘worldwide emergency’ and the launch of an international appeal.

“Initially we didn’t think wild hair mattered. Why couldn’t unconventionally coiffured politicians be intelligent? But evidently it’s the surest sign we have yet that you’re more likely to find signs of intelligent life in a gone off yogurt,” shared just one of close to 7 billion people desperately searching for a politician with a reliably boring hairdo.

As wild untameable hair, which is sometimes artificially tossed about in a haphazard fashion in a bid to disarm voters, proves increasingly popular and prevalent, the need for capable politicians with a drably decorated dome has never been more urgent.

“Crazy hair is not a prerequisite for being in power – we think more politicians need to be made aware of this. Honestly, come on forward. Don’t be shy,” confirmed the world at large.

Now turning its attention to some breaking news about how concentration camps are sort of this year’s must have accessory, the world issued a fresh spate of full page ads in newspapers, begging for any politician with a no fuss ponytail, or short back and sides to make themselves known to the nearest democracy in need.

“Sensible hair seems to indicate they at least have more brain cells than open investigations into their finances and misconduct in office and that means they’re in particular demand right now,” confirmed a recruiter currently scouring LinkedIn for suitable-haired candidates.

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Tags: instant, news, politics

Original Article

Facebook Launches Own Currency, Military, Hospitals, Schools

Facebook Launches Own Currency, Military, Hospitals, Schools

June 19, 2019 – BREAKING NEWS, BUSINESS, WORLD NEWS

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WHAT first appeared to be the most sophisticated Nigerian Prince scam of its kind ever attempted has actually been confirmed as ‘Libra’; Facebook’s foray into creating its own digital currency.

Not content with pitching what fans have called ‘the worst Black Mirror episode ever’ Facebook also announced other small projects such as an army numbering 500,000 elite level soldiers, the annexing of territory and the building of essential infrastructure for citizens of Facebook including hospitals, roads, schools, prisons and oddly their own milk.

“Me money now” shared a short circuiting Mark Zuckerberg as he announced Libra, and pitched his idea that the company you can’t trust with your data could be trusted with your money.

Facebook, a company which was previously found to have attempted to manipulate the emotions and moods of over 600,000 of its users by reducing their exposure to ‘positive emotional content’, will now presumably apply a responsible and restrained approach to knowing how much money users have without creating an environment that manipulates them into spending it at specific times, on specific things.

The digital currency is being described as a major shake up in global finance and once Facebook’s army and Zuckerberg’s exo-skeleton mounted with machine guns is ready the humble social network, which you primarily use to wish old school friends you’ve lost touch with a happy birthday, will achieve total world domination.

Libra will not launch until 2020 but it is feared this is still not enough time for you to get your head around understanding what a ‘blockchain’ is.

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Tags: facebook, instant, money, news, tech

Original Article