Category Archives: Spoof News

Meet Mark: The Man The World Is €300 Trillion In Debt To

Meet Mark: The Man The World Is €300 Trillion In Debt To

January 21, 2019 – BREAKING NEWS, Uplifting Viral Content, WORLD NEWS

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AS IT stands at the time of writing the world economic debt is currently at 300 trillion with no end to the spiralling figure in sight, but just who does the planet owe all its money to? WWN travels to the Isle Of Man to find out.

Financier and Cork man, Mark Power, is not a name many people would be familiar with. In fact, the 38-year-old does not even own a social media account nor does he care to.

“C’mere boy, I keep myself to myself – I find life easier that way considering my current position,” he explains. “Ya know what I mean, kid?”

Mark first began lending cigarettes in school during the early 90s before branching out into cold hard cash.

“I would charge kids 10 pence a fag,” he said, “after a while I began lending fivers here and there with 33% interest. If they didn’t pay up I would threaten them with a mocked up solicitors letter stating that I would repossess their lungs – I was an awful bollocks”.

Seeing the value in lending, Mark extracted a IR£1mn loan from his local credit union.

“The manager at the time, who accidentally hung himself since, owed me a substantial amount of money for pictures I had taken of him having sexual intercourse with one of the girls at the desk, so I was lucky in a way”.

It didn’t take long for Mark to become a multimillionaire, then a billionaire and eventually becoming the world’s most valued financier.

“I don’t really like to gloat; it’s only money at the end of the day,” Mark attempted to downplay his role. “Yeah, I’ve financed some of the biggest military exercises on the planet, including the orchestration of the 911 attacks, the Afghan and Iraq invasions, the war in Syria and various coups in Libya, Venezuela and more – loans build up after a few years and I was just in the right place at the right time – but look it sure, it’s just a job at the end of the day. I still sit down at night and watch shit TV like anyone else”.

Currently Mark is worth over 500 trillion euros with the world economy owing him a large majority of that figure.

“Sure, ya have to be doing something boy!” he concluded in his thick Cork accent.

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Tags: instant, mark, world debt

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Overpaid Bank CEOs Strike For Worse Pay & Working Conditions

Overpaid Bank CEOs Strike For Worse Pay & Working Conditions

January 18, 2019 – BREAKING NEWS, WORLD NEWS

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IN A SOBERING act of remarkable self-awareness, leading CEO in banks and financial institutions around the world have gone on strike demanding that the boards and shareholders which have facilitated their wildly inflated salaries, reduce them immediately while simultaneously putting demands on them to work longer hours.

Armed with placards emblazoned with slogans such as “honestly, I’m paid too fucking much” and “cut my pay, give me more hours” leading bank CEOs rose up in a stirring example of collective action, refusing to return to work until their demands are met.

“I swear to God, if these fuckers don’t cut my pay I’m not going back in. For as long as it takes, I’ll be out here striking,” one Armani suited CEO said, visibly angry at his work conditions.

“Do you know I can hit the golf course at any time and no one calls me out on it. I can do whatever the fuck I want and there’s no repercussions and I’m telling you, I’m sick of it!”

A call and response chant of “What do we want? Worse pay! When do we want it? Now!” was heard bellowed by CEOs on the streets outside banks as they finally snapped, fed up with being repeatedly remunerated handsomely for work they admit doesn’t require such exorbitant pay checks.

A number of commuters inconvenience by the strike due to the knock on effect it had on traffic were heavily critical of those waving placards.

“Typical elitist millionaires, this has added an extra hour onto my commute home, but do you think they even care?” remarked one irate commuter, who doesn’t know why bank CEOs don’t just accept their current pay levels.

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Tags: banks, instant, ireland, news, strikes

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God Ignores Yet Another Prayer Notification On His Phone

God Ignores Yet Another Prayer Notification On His Phone

January 18, 2019 – BREAKING NEWS, WORLD NEWS

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GLANCING at the home screen preview of the latest prayer notification on his iPhone Xs, God the Almighty made a mental note to look up how to turn off the ‘blasted notifications’ once and for all, which are now running into the tens of billions.

“Dear God, please take care of my grandad as he is very…” pinged yet another preview, as the 5-billion-year-old now began planning the final stages of Earth’s total annihilation.

“Right, fuck this, I couldn’t be arsed looking up how to switch this off,” he muttered, “now, where did I put those doomsday comets?

“Ah balls, I used them on those ridiculous dinosaurs – what on earth was I thinking with them things?”.

“Praise Allah, please, can you bring world peace to the…” pinged another.

Now desperately looking for anything to make the humans stop pestering him, God picked up his trusty magnet and began shifting the poles.

“Hopefully this will cause a huge flood and they’ll all be… no, no wait. I promised them I wouldn’t!” now remembering his rainbow promise, before deciding just to open the prayer app’s settings to see if he could figure out how to turn off the notifications himself.

“Oh! That was actually quite easy. We’ll keep you little shits for another day,” he then concluded.

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Rees Mogg Straps Steam Powered Explosive To Chest, Demands Worst Brexit Possible

Rees Mogg Straps Steam Powered Explosive To Chest, Demands Worst Brexit Possible

January 16, 2019 – BREAKING NEWS, POLITICS, WORLD NEWS

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STUDIOUSLY fanning steam up a copper tube via a Victorian era foot pump, Jacob Rees Mogg has finally snapped, insisting that it isn’t enough to simply vote down a deal when there is room to also plan the very worst possible Brexit that could cause the greatest hardship for working class and vulnerable Britons.

“My dear fellows, what hath transpired here is a dereliction of conveying meaning,” Mogg stated as he loaded gun powder into a serious of inkwells strapped to his chest, which appeared to be part of an improvised explosive device.

If his demands aren’t met, the 18th century child snatcher will be left with no other option but to light a 12 furlong fuse which would set off large explosives ferried into Parliament Square via a steam powered carriage.

Unsheathing a Gothic hilted British infantry sword from 1822, Mogg speaking now exclusively in Latin, demanded the sovereign will of the people to die of cholera, and have only a most rudimentary toilet and sewage systems be upheld by parliament.

The elongated HB pencil who successfully grew back his virginity says he will detonate his device if his demands are not met. Mogg became startled and angered by members of the media who gathered to take his picture.

“Cease your infernal flashing, you will not steal my soul with that devilish contraption. Take your witchcraft elsewhere!”

Outlining his demands in full Mogg, London’s only adult chimney sweep, concluded by stating “look old chap, it’s frightfully simple; the people want British soldiers killing its own citizens in Irlande du Nord, ransacking Rhodesia for minerals, resign the Treaty of Balta Liman and put children back down the mines. The good old days”.

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Tags: britain, instant, mogg, news, politics

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Russia Stealing Magnetic North, Report Claims

Russia Stealing Magnetic North, Report Claims

January 16, 2019 – BREAKING NEWS, WORLD NEWS

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A DAMNING new report published by the Canadian Security Intelligence Service has claimed that Russia has been slowly stealing magnetic North for that past 20 years, WWN can confirm.

The 467 page report stated that Vladimir Putin secretly conspired with dozens of Russian billionaires to shift Earth’s north magnetic pole back as early as 1999, when it is believed he oversaw the development of enormous underground magnetic facilities in Siberia, which are since slowly attracting the planets liquid-iron outer core, known as the core field.

The worrying report estimated that magnetic North will soon be positioned in Russia’s Northern territory by the year 2035.

“We do not know why Russia is stealing magnetic from the Canadian Arctic,” a spokesman for the Security Intelligence Service stated, “but whatever the reason, it could be disastrous for the whole of humanity and have serious consequences on our current environment”.

Experts speculate that Russia maybe taking the magnetic pole hostage in a power play against the West.

“Our fear now is Russia may intend to start charging the rest of the world for using navigation systems which rely on magnetic North, which would also give them the upper hand in any future conflicts,” concluded a military expert.

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“Rather Her Than Me” Insists Cameron Sipping Cocktail On Beach

“Rather Her Than Me” Insists Cameron Sipping Cocktail On Beach

January 16, 2019 – BREAKING NEWS, POLITICS, WORLD NEWS

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LOOKING like a man with none of weight of the world on his shoulders, former British prime minister David Cameron surveyed the sun-kissed sands after Theresa May’s Brexit deal was voted down in parliament, gently chuckling to himself “rather her than me” before funneling up the last of a pornstar martini through a straw, WWN can exclusively reveal.

Cameron, famous for allegedly fucking a dead pig and then fucking over a dead empire by forcing a referendum on membership of the EU all because a few anti-EU MPs were giving him grief has been enjoying life post-Brexit referendum in a way few people have been able to.

The former PM made the decision to jet off to Mauritius after members of the media insisted on asking his opinion on the small matter of his central role in placing Britain on a course for certain financial peril.

“Theresa looks like a hallowed out puppet from The Dark Crystal, God love her. She should take a break, get some Sun. All ex-PMs do it after completely twatting up every single sensible policy or option,” confirmed Cameron, who’s incompetence ia rewarded with regular and lucrative speech engagements.

“All a bit of harmless fun though”.

In related news Scientists have confirmed British politician’s skulls are infinitely thicker than first though.

“Stop. Honestly, stop. No, dont. Just stop, there’s no point. No fact or common sense can permeate their skulls,” confirmed an exhausted scientist.

Elsewhere, Theresa May has locked herself in her bedroom and is playing Adele’s ‘Set Fire To The Rain’ on repeat.

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Tags: brexit, britain, instant, news

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Tanning Bed Employee Only One Being Paid During Trump Shutdown

Tanning Bed Employee Only One Being Paid During Trump Shutdown

January 15, 2019 – BREAKING NEWS, POLITICS, WORLD NEWS

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“EXCEPTIONS to the rules of a government shutdown can be made if a government employee is so integral, and so vital to ensuring the president can carry out his role as Shutdower-in-Chief”.

These were the words of a White House official when explaining why 21-year-old Crystal McKiernan, an employee granted 24 hour access to the Oval Office and benefiting from the highest security clearance, is now the sole government employee not affected by the current shutdown.

It was argued McKiernan must have access to President Trump at all times and top up his ginger-tinged tan whenever needed and so she has been spared the inconvenience of having her pay deferred until the shutdown is over, as she operates the one key element of the government that the president can’t do without.

With national parks, museums, airports and countless other areas of American life affected since the shutdown began on the 21st of December, the government has been restricted in its ability to run services at full capacity. However, the official presidential tanning bed, named ‘Forced Tan One’ remains operational in the Oval Office.

“The President understands his shutdown affects people who now can’t pay for food like hamberders, or afford their mortgage repayments, but he knew an exception had to be made in one case with Crystal, she’s key to preserving national security and the president’s sun-kissed Cheetos glow in ways others aren’t,” explained a White House official.

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Tags: america, instant, news, politics, trump

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May Delays Brexit Vote Until 30th Of February

May Delays Brexit Vote Until 30th Of February

January 15, 2019 – BREAKING NEWS, POLITICS, WORLD NEWS

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FOR A SECOND time in recent weeks British PM Theresa May has sparked consternation and chaos in the Houses of Parliament by cancelling a vote on her Brexit deal on the last minute, this time delaying it until the 30th of February.

Critics of the PM have stated her motivation for delaying is transparent as it was clear the Tory leader would suffer an embarrassing and potentially career ending defeat in the Commons.

Confirmation of the vote now set to take place on Tuesday the 30th of February will be formally announced by May this afternoon according to insiders, and the decision has caused much fury among hardline Hard Brexit advocating MPs.

“To delay it once is not on, but to do it a second time is a disgrace. Has she even checked the availability of MPs on the 30th of Feb? We’re busy in our constituencies, it’s not on,” confirmed one MP.

May has told those closest to her that she feels delaying the vote until the 30th of February will give her the chance to win over some MPs, and providing no one looks at a calendar, victory will be hers.

Speaking to party colleagues, some visibly irate, some visibly out of touch, May is believed to have said “the people want us to get on with this. No more pointless bickering. Brexit means Brexit. And that’s just what we’ll vote for come the 30th of February. See you all in parliament then! I can’t wait, really looking forward to it actually”.

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May Interrupts Brexit Speech To Bring You The Following Information About Brain Force +

May Interrupts Brexit Speech To Bring You The Following Information About Brain Force +

January 14, 2019 – BREAKING NEWS, POLITICS, WORLD NEWS

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BELEAGUERED British prime minister Theresa May Has taken to the floor in the House Of Commons and issued what appears to be an infomercial for the energy and stamina-enhancing food supplement Brain Force Plus to the baffled MPs in attendance.

MPs had been expecting May to put forth a last-ditch effort to save her Brexit deal ahead of tomorrow’s crucial vote, only to be met with May’s endorsement of Brain Force Plus, which she claims has the ability to ‘supercharge the mind’, allowing her to focus on the grueling task at hand.

“When I wake in the morning, I take my Brain Force Plus to make sure my mind is ready for the day ahead,” said May, holding up a bottle of the Infowars-endorsed supplement.

“Developed by top scientists in the field of neuroscience and digestion, each Brain Force Plus capsule contains vital minerals and enzymes, with each ingredients obtained from natural sources to ensure my mind remains toxin-free, and ready for whatever the day throws at me”.

The Speaker of the house urged Mrs. May to make her point or leave the floor, which the PM responded to by screaming purchasing details at the members of parliament in attendance.

“Use the offer code ‘MAY’ to claim 10% off at checkout” shrieked May, guzzling capsules by the dozen.

“There’s a war on for your mind! Fight back with Brain Force Plus!”.

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Increasing Number Of Youths Wearing Ankle Scarves So They Don’t Get Cold

Increasing Number Of Youths Wearing Ankle Scarves So They Don’t Get Cold

January 14, 2019 – BREAKING NEWS, WORLD NEWS

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WITH naked-ankle based fashion choices, also known as ‘flanking’, still very much in vogue especially among young people, a new trend is emerging which combats the one downside to being fashion-forward in cold temperatures.

As temperatures remain on the chilly side, adolescents have taken to tying ankle scarves to their exposed ankles in a bid to avoid freezing to death.

“Long trousers are only worn by auld lads who haven’t a clue,” explains Dennis Hanlon (18). “But I’ve had pneumonia of the ankle twice this year, it’s a real thing look it up, and my doctor warned me I could lose my ankles, so I wear those cool miniature ankle scarves for safety’s sake.”

The often hand-knitted ankle scarves sell well on numerous online platforms, and are believed to be the biggest seller with ASOS, BooHoo and other retailers.

Practical: As soon as you’re ankles warm up, the ankle scarves which come in a range or styles and patterns, can be easily removed without compromising on your fashion tastes.

As with all new fashion trends, faux pas can be committed: “Never use the one scarf for both legs!” warned Dennis pointing to a scar on his forehead.

“It seems like a good idea at first, but it is not.”

Ankle scarves will take centre stage at Milan fashion week where Stella McCartney, Versace and many other designers will unveil their own ankle scarf collections as this new trend seems here to stay.

This article was previously published on Der Postillon

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