Category Archives: Spoof News

What Is It Britain Doesn’t Like About Commie Scumbag Jeremy Corbyn?

What Is It Britain Doesn’t Like About Commie Scumbag Jeremy Corbyn?

August 16, 2019 – BREAKING NEWS, POLITICS, WORLD NEWS

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IN THE wake of his decision to write to opposition MPs asking them to back him as a ‘caretaker prime minister’ in an attempt to avert Boris Johnson forcing through a disastrous no-deal Brexit, the issue of Jeremy Corbyn’s standing among the media and British voters comes into focus once more.

Just what is it Britain as a whole doesn’t like about the filthy gulag loving communist bastard?

As Corbyn, a man who probably masturbates nightly to the Communist Manifesto, mobilises to stop visionary patriot and biological son of Winston Churchill, Boris Johnson, driving Britain off a cliff backwards on a tricycle, voters seem wise to the Labour leader who would nationalise your bank account if given half the chance.

However, it is unclear as to where this distrust of Commie Corbyn began? Some of his mentally deficient supporters suggest we in the media are to blame. But their time may be better spent wondering why the public aren’t so keen on a Corbyn PM, who we all know would have your children speaking Muslim by the end of the week.

If Corbyn, a former lover of IRA terrorist Gerry Adams who said he would dismantle Britain’s trident programme and give North Korea nuclear weapons for free, is somehow given the keys to No.10 he will immediately introduce a flat rate of 99% tax on everyone earning over £1 a year. And to think distrust of Corbyn was ever blamed on media smears.

The more people delve into his policies, the clearer the reasons for not trusting him become. While some MPs from opposition parties have reacted warmly to his proposals, we can’t believe they would consider siding with the man who fought for Hezbollah in the 2006 Israel Lebanon conflict. Shame on them.

People taking a Corbyn led government seriously are even more laughable when you consider the strong and unifying influence Boris Johnson has been since taking power.

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Tags: brexit, britain, instant, news

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Tank Man Flies To Hong Kong To Stop Chinese Military

Tank Man Flies To Hong Kong To Stop Chinese Military

August 15, 2019 – BREAKING NEWS, WORLD NEWS

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FOLLOWING a 30 year hiatus from protesting, Tiananmen Square’s infamous ‘Tank Man’ has arrived in Hong Kong in a bid to stop the Chinese military from crossing into Hong Kong.

Landing on a private jet with two shopping bags, Tank Man was greeted by thousands of fans cheering on the arrival of the lone protestor who famously stood in front of a column of tanks leaving Tiananmen Square on June 5, 1989, inadvertently creating one of the most iconic images of all time.

“They’re a little tattered now, but I brought the same shopping bags I used in Tiananmen Square,” he told awaiting reporters, while wearing his distinctive white shirt and black pants.

The protestor’s sudden reappearance comes after thousands of Chinese military personnel waving red flags paraded at a sports stadium in a city across the border from Hong Kong on Thursday, forcing Tank Man out of hiding and back into action.

“I was hungover that afternoon and went to the offy for cans, and on my way back I ended up cutting through Tiananmen Square when those tanks got in my way,” he recalled his previous encounter with the Chinese regime. “I had the right of way and there was no way I was moving. Like, fuck them, it was a pedestrianised zone, so they were totally in the wrong”.

Tank Man is expected to head out on the absolute rip tonight in Hong Kong before taking to the border tomorrow afternoon to stop the Chinese Military.

“I’ve got this, guys, so tell the international community not to bother chiming in, especially Trump” he insisted, before heading off to the nearest pub for a few.

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Tags: china, hong kong, instant, tank man

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Did The Hong Kong Protests Lead To Miley & Liam’s Split?

Did The Hong Kong Protests Lead To Miley & Liam’s Split?

August 13, 2019 – BREAKING NEWS, ENTERTAINMENT, WORLD NEWS

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RUMOURS circulated by those closest to Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth have suggested that their recent split, subject to phenomenal scrutiny by the media and public alike, has come about all because of the pro-democracy protests in Hong Kong which have been met with force by Chinese authorities.

Just like Miley and Liam’s relationship came to a stop, so did flights at Hong Kong International Airport yesterday as protesters occupied airport terminals desperate for their voices to be heard and the status of Hong Kong and its democratic freedoms to be respected by Xi Jinping and his ruling Communist Party of China.

Was Miley passionately pro-Hong Kong and just couldn’t let such a big difference in beliefs go? Did Liam support Carrie Lam’s servile deference to China? Where will the shared pets end up? Will Hong Kong authorities, emboldened by China exerting its pressure on them, continue to violently suppress political protests? Will Miley’s next single turn this personal turmoil into a powerful ballad that could define this era of pop?

Or is it more likely that in this increasingly attention-deficit world, publications have to draw people into reading about major international events of huge significance by dangling the juicy celebrity cherry?

Were you tricked into reading this, much in the same way the people of Hong Kong were tricked into thinking its special status, which meant it enjoyed more political, economic and social freedoms than mainland China, would last forever? Who knows.

‘Hey, it is possible to read about Miley AND Hong Kong so stop acting like we’re idiots by judging us’ you may point out, but who are you kidding you’ve spent more time analysing Miley’s clapbacks on Instagram than you have Chinese gangs brutally assaulting protesters while world leaders do their best to ignore it.

Hong Kong citizens are protesting to protect their guaranteed rights to freedom of assembly and freedom of speech, something Miley can identify with these days as her every move on social media is watched over and devoured by the media and public.

Did Miley’s support of Hong Kong prove to be the final straw with Liam? No, of course not, but since you’re hear you should know that Hong Kong opponents of China’s ruling party have effectively been kidnapped by Chinese authorities and illegally extradited to China. Human rights violations and suppression of people’s freedom is scary stuff but as scary as the thought of a dreamy Hemsworth being sad? We can’t say.

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Tags: hong kong, instant, news, politics

Original Article

All The Epstein Death Conspiracy Theories In One Handy Place

All The Epstein Death Conspiracy Theories In One Handy Place

August 12, 2019 – BREAKING NEWS, WORLD NEWS

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THE SAD and untimely death of billionaire paedophile and friend to the rich, influential and famous Jeffrey Epstein has sparked a flurry of speculation online.

However, some internet users have found it hard to fine a responsible news outlet which it trusts to host all those conspiracy theories in one handy place. That is, until now!

WWN has of course been working around the clock to avoid fanning the flames and misrepresenting information just to give people with nothing better to do a chance to rant endlessly on Facebook much to the shame of their relatives.

Dive in and dine on the nourishing conspiracies theories which like all conspiracy theories have all been extensively fact checked before being circulated online:

The Royal Family did it

A close friend to Prince Andrew, the Queen couldn’t risk any sort of potential fall out from a trial. We all know that. And if the letter A = 1, B = 2, C = 3 and so on, the letters in Epstein total 68 which is the same age as Princess Anne, Andrew’s sister and the longstanding chief assassin for the Royal Family. The dots are there folks, we just connect them.

Who decided that the alphabet goes in that particular order anyway? We’re only scratching the surface folks.

He was alive and now is dead

We think there’s something to this theory, we can’t wait to hear what more new information reveals.

Faced with spending the rest of his life in prison and outed to the world as a vile paedophile, took his own life

As far-fetched nonsense goes this takes the cake. C’mon, do we look like we were born yesterday?

The Clintons killed him because he knew their deepest, darkest secrets.

Well this is patently absurd as we all know, if Bill wanted to keep secret the fact he actually can’t saxophone, he’d never leave the sorts of hints that could fuel a conspiracy theory.

Trump did it.

Depending on your political leanings this is either an open and shut case as Trump is guilty as sin and it should be looked into or you’re wearing a MAGA hat right now. Open. Your. Eyes.

Trump AND the Clintons did it

Ooh, juicy. Now you’re talking.

Epstein was a CIA informer, a Mossad agent, a member of Hezbollah, a Saudi ally, a Russian spy and behind Hong Kong’s pro-democracy protests

He was a busy man. He wasn’t just playing both sides as a double agent, he was an octuple agent playing every side of this espionage octagon.

He had a history of leaving one-star ratings on IMBD for beloved movies

Really? He gave The Dark Knight a one-star review and expected no push back? Little Miss Sunshine too? The guy was a monster.

The people speculating about his death do not care about the pain and suffering Epstein brought to his victims

Hmmm, this one seems unlikely, typically most people we’ve encountered who spread Zionist and Illuminati conspiracies on the internet are pretty nice, empathic people.

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Tags: america, crime, epstein, instant, news

Original Article

Monopoly Announce Sterling Can Also Be Used On Popular Board Game

Monopoly Announce Sterling Can Also Be Used On Popular Board Game

August 12, 2019 – BREAKING NEWS, POLITICS, WORLD NEWS

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GLOBAL toy and boardgame manufacturer Hasbro has announced that all British Sterling can now be used on the company’s ever popular board game, Monopoly, WWN can confirm.

First launched in 1935, Monopoly has been using its own brand of currency for the past 84 years, but confirmed it will now allow Sterling due the similar value it holds in the financial world.

“Currently, Sterling is not as strong as the board game money but we will make allowances for our poor British neighbours,” a spokesman for Hasbro stated today.

The British Pound will join Venezuela’s dollar as the only two actual currencies that can be used on the fast-dealing property trading game, with sales of Monopoly quadrupling since the news.

However, the surge in sales of the board game are believed to be from desperate families hoping to use Monopoly money instead of their own devalued currency in a post-Brexit Britain.

“I thought I’d buy a few games and keep them for a rainy day,” one British father told WWN, “you know, just in case things really go further down hill here, if that’s even possible”.

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Tags: brexit, britain, instant, news, sterling

Original Article

“I Knew Too Much” Epstein Speaks Out From His South American Hideaway

“I Knew Too Much” Epstein Speaks Out From His South American Hideaway

August 12, 2019 – BREAKING NEWS, POLITICS, WORLD NEWS

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FOLLOWING on from his suicide at the Metropolitan Correctional Center in New York last Friday evening, American financier and convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein looks back at his untimely death, pointing to the fact that he knew too much and was never going to get to a courtroom, no matter how much he promised to shut his mouth.

“You could say I died from an overdose of information,” the 66-year-old began, sipping a Long Island iced tea while staring out at the Nicaraguan beach he will now reside at for the next 20-30 years, “I had a good run in fairness… I mean, yes, the whole sex offender conviction thing was a bad time for me as I had to serve a whopping 18 months under house arrest in my own house for raping young women, but the rest of my life was pretty good, considering”.

Arriving at Nicaragua’s capital city Managua on Saturday morning on a private jet paid for by Isreali intelligence agency, Mossad, Epstein was quickly given a new identity by his handlers, but insists he will still miss his life as good old Jeffry Epstein.

“Yes the world hated Jeffry, but if they only knew his vast catalogue of famous friends, the people he catered for; they’d think differently about him then,” Epstein went on speaking about himself in the third person while staring at some young local girls playing on the beach, “my only crime was facilitating the urges of wealthy men, but now I have to face the consequences here in this dump like some kind of fall guy or patsy.

“At least Bin Laden and his son are here to keep me company. They’re great fun on the drink and love the virgins,” Epstein concluded, before heading off for a swim.

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Tags: america, crime, epstein, news, politics

Original Article

Republicans Refuse To Be Outdone When It Comes To Bonfires

Republicans Refuse To Be Outdone When It Comes To Bonfires

August 9, 2019 – BREAKING NEWS, LOCAL NEWS, POLITICS, WORLD NEWS

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“THAT’S not a bonfire, this is a bonfire,” confirmed a group of ‘Republicans’, known to their own community as dissidents and juvenile thugs, as they put their Loyalist neighbours’ recent bonfire efforts to shame with their own creation in New Lodge.

“Didn’t even get the riot police called on yis, did ye?” added the individuals responsible, fairly chuffed with themselves after the bonfire, lit to mark the anniversary of internment in Northern Ireland, resulted in the men terrorising their own community.

Sources close to the bonfire building section of the Loyalist community have admitted to letting their standards ‘slip’ as their recent efforts barely made the news in the UK and Ireland.

“We’ll have to start planning right away for similarly idiotic and damaging behaviour, so we have in place for next July,” shared one Unionist, who admitted to feeling like a fool for not critically injuring anyone recently.

The self-appointed brave Republicans, with an average age of 12 and a collective IQ to match, admitted that despite there being thousands of better ways to mark the targeted and unjust policies of previous British governments, they couldn’t resist trying to outshine their Loyalist counterparts in the bonfire and needless violence department.

“I’m a bit confused,” confirmed one 15-year-old Republican who vividly recalls living through the policy of internment in the 1970s, “I woke this morning and it’s not a United Ireland? But we lit the big fire?”.

Stormont officials couldn’t be reached for comment on the incident as the phone lines were disconnected over 933 days ago.

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Tags: instant, ireland, news

Original Article

31 More Signs Brexit Is Going Really, Really, Really Well

31 More Signs Brexit Is Going Really, Really, Really Well

August 8, 2019 – BREAKING NEWS, POLITICS, WORLD NEWS

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AS A WAY of cutting through the guff spouted by the left wing media who would dig up Fidel Castro’s corpse and let it defile them given half the chance, WWN has gathered 46 more signs that Brexit is going incredible well, will go well and will magic the old Empire back into reality before too long:

1) Assertive action by Britain’s government is needed more now than ever, which is why Boris Johnson calling his cabinet a ‘war cabinet’ is just what’s needed. Who are they at war with? The British people*.

*source: The Conservative Party

2) To avoid a return to the ‘dark days of The Troubles’ Johnson’s government have confirmed putting aside spending on new street lights for Northern Ireland. They have also downgraded the Troubles to ‘the Mild Bothers of Little Consequence’.

3) Doctors in Britain providing cancer treatments to patients have signed a letter pleading with the government to clarify whether or not hospitals will have sufficient supplies to carry out cancer treatments. Take that the EU! Doctors not knowing if they’ll have medicine supplies and worried people will die unnecessarily? Sounds pretty good to us.

4) Britain will have to use the mold on its ceilings to make cheese in a no-deal Brexit scenario.

5) Official British government documents have warned of an increase in organised crime, panic buying and fuel shortages in the event of a no-deal Brexit. Chalk that down as a win.

6) Ooooh, Jacob Rees Mogg has issued a new style guide for MPs. That should reverse the roughly 200,000 job losses resulting from Brexit so far including 50,000 plus in the automobile industry alone.

7) White nationalist Steve Bannon is on the BBC a fair bit these days giving his two cents, that’s probably harmless enough.

8) Johnson extended an olive branch to EU leaders earlier today by saying “I know you are but what I am” before making what appeared to be a farting sound with his mouth.

9) The British PM also stated that Britain will leave the EU on the 31st of October “do or die”. While not 100% clear, it is believed only the poor people will ‘die’ as Johnson and his cohorts ‘do*’.

*’do’ is another word for ‘enrich themselves further at your expense’.

10) Michael Gove has denied being the individual who keeps going into the Wikipedia entry for ‘the Backstop’ and editing the information so that it looks like the backstop wasn’t all the British government’s own idea in the first place.

11) Incidentally, Michael Gove looks like an infected testicle filled to bursting point with blackcurrant flavour Ribena. This is not a sign Brexit is going well but nonetheless, it needs to be said.

12) Members of the Conservative party keeping casually calling German politicians Nazis. Get in!

13) Jeremy Corbyn has been rushed to hospital with a crippling case of altitude sickness as it transpires he has had his head in the clouds for much of the last 3 years.

14) It seems Johnson has kept hold of the DUP’s loyalty and support. Having the support of an anti-science, anti-LBGTQ, anti-abortion, anti-equality party is definitely a good thing. In case it needed stating.

15) The Tories have announced vague plans they intend to renege on the second anyone stops looking, including the hiring of 20,000 new police officers to fill the void created by the Tories cutting 20,000 police jobs.

16) Miniature Union Jack flags will be made available to everyone who loses a job as a result of Brexit.

17) Boris Johnson, Dominic Raab and any number of other members of the government still haven’t read The Good Friday Agreement, it’s this sort of lack of attention to detail that bodes well for the mind-bogglingly complex ramifications involved for every facet of Britain’s economy and society that comes with Brexit.

18) Pro-Remain moanbags will point to the news that the government’s own analysis suggests Britain is in a weaker position in its preparations for a no-deal Brexit than in the springtime, but do you really want to take the word of the people in the civil service most intimately involved in putting plans in place? Like they really have a clue. Nigel Farage, now there’s someone who has a clue.

19) The potential gaps in national security within Britain as a result of Brexit (no-deal or otherwise) has been continually highlighted by security services, but, taking Boris Johnson’s lead and being bloody positive for once there is nothing like a large scale tragedy to bring a nation together.

20) Tim Rycroft of the Food and Drink Federation of the UK has said there will be food shortages for months in the event of a No Deal scenario and called a no deal ‘disastrous’.

21) There’s a lot of talk of food rationing now. That’s…cool?

22) The Conservative government announced a £2.1 billion plan to prepare for a hard Brexit = good*. The Conservative government didn’t bother spending any of a £3.5 million in EU aid money meant for deprived people under the Fund for European Aid to the Most Deprived = also good*.

23) Bonus: food banks have confirmed they are struggling to feed a million people in need during the summer = also good*.

*source: The Conservative Party

24) Johnson has appointed Leave Campaign mastermind Dominic Cummings to a key advisor position. Pretty easy to find him on YouTube saying ‘Conservatives don’t care about poor people’.

25) Chairperson of the Conservative party James Cleverly has confirmed more money will be put into the NHS, and funds will come from economic growth which is…oh that’s right – going to plummet in a no-deal scenario as Britain could enter a well-flagged recession.

26) Sterling has taken a nosedive since Boris Johnson took charge, but it is unlikely those closest to the PM would plan and connive to exploit such financial fluctuations for their own monetary gain. Thank goodness Britain has a strong, morally resolute leader at the helm who prepared a pro-Remain and pro-Leave newspaper column on the night before the Brexit referendum.

27) That’s sterling at a 28-month low by the way, but that’s where Britain wants it, so low everyone in the EU starts to feel sorry for it and then presumably gives into Johnson’s government’s mental demands.

28) Of the opinion there’s simply too many animals? Don’t worry thanks to a no-deal Brexit, farmers will have cull a lot of sheep and cows.

29) Britain’s media spent much of the last 24 hours talking about staring seagulls into submission.

30) Foreign Secretary Dominic Raab explained that there will be ‘a huge series of upsides’ for the UK in trade after Brexit while failing to name any.

31) Labour’s shadow chancellor John McDonnell says Jeremy Corbyn should tell the Queen ‘we’re taking over’ in the event of a vote of no confidence in Boris Johnson. This sounds very normal and regular.

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Tags: brexit, britain, instant, news, politics

Original Article

Everything You Need To Know About Mitch McConnell

Everything You Need To Know About Mitch McConnell

August 8, 2019 – BREAKING NEWS, POLITICS, WORLD NEWS

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A REPUBLICAN politician of significant influence, Mitch McConnell is seen by many as the person most responsible for the lack of gun reform laws, an enabler of President Trump’s thinly veiled racist policies and the driving force behind increased divisiveness in US politics.

Here’s everything you need to know about the 77-year-old Kentucky senator:

Longest serving Republican Senate leader in history.

Had pioneering heart removal surgery in the early 90s.

Sadly, is of Irish descent.

Refuses to put a price on the lives of those killed by gun violence, in fact refuses to limit the amount of money he is willing to accept from the NRA.

Despite new background check laws for gun owners receiving support from both Democrats and Republicans, McConnell continues to enjoy the needless slaughter of innocent people too much to pass the relevant bills.

Ejaculates dust.

Repeatedly voting against bills that would provide healthcare coverage for 9/11 first responders, but McConnell shouldn’t be judged by this act alone as there’s a wealth of other reprehensible things to choose from.

Voted ‘nyet’ to elections security bills which would make it harder for foreign powers, such as Russia, to interfere in US elections.

A complex individual with a multitude of contradictions, McConnell props up Trump’s aggressive and racist attacks on minorities and immigrants but is married to an Asian American. Also appears to be human, but all evidence suggests he is not.

Is incredible popular among a vast and diverse array of white, gun-owning Republicans.

Looks like a grumpy turtle but unlike a turtle he doesn’t have a shell rather is a merely a shell of human being.

As he nears his 80s, God has reportedly beefed up security at the gates of Heaven significantly. Satan has followed a similar strategy for the gates of Hell.

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Tags: america, instant, politics

Original Article

Britain To Build 300ft Fan For Shit To Hit

Britain To Build 300ft Fan For Shit To Hit

August 8, 2019 – BREAKING NEWS, POLITICS, WORLD NEWS

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EAGER to stay ahead of the ramifications of their impending exit from the EU, the government of Great Britain have given the go-ahead for the erection for a 100 metre tall fan on the Cliffs Of Dover, ready for any shit that will fly over the channel from mainland Europe.

“It’s that old saying… when the shit comes, you better have a fan!” beamed Boris Johnson, breaking ground at the Dover site.

Assembled journalists took a moment to correct Johnson, stressing that the adage suggested that one did not want to be anywhere near the location of a fan, should shit hit.

“Nonsense,” beamed Johnson, sporting a shovel with a Union Jack on it because of fucking course.

Several sources were then sent for, to stress that should shit hit a massive fan in Dover, the resulting spread of shit would be cast far and wide across Britain, covering every square inch of the once-proud nation in shit; real, actual shit.

“Excellent. Spirit of the blitz,” chuckled Boris, jabbing at the ground with the handle-end of the shovel.

Desperate to make the PM see sense as the BM approached, a congregation of thousands threw themselves at the feet of Johnson, begging him to reconsider.

“More money for the NHS” smiled Johnson, seconds before a wall of faeces hit him and his country, like a slightly browner version of the video for Michael Jackson’s Earth Song.

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Tags: brexit, britain, instant, news, politics

Original Article