Category Archives: Spoof News

Solve Brexit By Answering These 5 Simple Questions

Solve Brexit By Answering These 5 Simple Questions

March 21, 2019 – BREAKING NEWS, POLITICS, WORLD NEWS

Facebook Share Share
Twitter Share
Flipboard Share
Reddit Share
Whatsapp Share
Messenger Share

0
SHARES

Comment Count0
View Comments

THERE HAS NEVER been a more important time for those across the water to pool their collective intellect in bid to solve the myriad issues which have weighed down Brexit ever since it was just a twinkle in the right testicle of Nigel Farage.

Could you help Britain’s helpless politicians in their hour of need? Can you provide the solution to end the impasse and unblock the sink of stupidity? Unclog the toilet of temerity? Things have gotten so desperate Britons are running out of bog roll and actually signing an online petition and expecting it to mean something and have real world consequence. The situation is worse than anyone could have feared.

Is your thinking so bold, original and fearlessly outside of the Brexit-box that you could blow this whole thing wide-closed and neatly brought to an end with minimal fuss and little to know economic fallout? Well then you might just solve this thing by answering the following 5 questions.

And, since giving British politicians 1,000 days to work out just what the hell it is they want could not have gone any worse, maybe a five second snap decision might prove the better option:

Question: Looking like second referendum time isn’t it? And that’s just the start

Yes/No?

If you answered no, continue the quiz below.

Question: Second referendum, innit?

Yes/No?

If you answered no, continue below.

Question: Second referendum?

Yes/No?

If you answered no, continue.

Question: Second-bloody-referendum, int’it?

Yes?

If you answered no somehow, con-fucking-tinue, you stubborn prat.

Question: Take back effing control by having an effing second effing refer-effing-rendum, fuck sake

No.

Comments ( 1 )
Share what you think.

Facebook Share Share
Twitter Share
Flipboard Share
Reddit Share
Messenger Share


Send As Email

Messenger Share

Facebook Share
Twitter Share
Whatsapp Share
Messenger Share

Tags: brexit, britain, europe, instant, news

Original Article

Theresa May Wakes Up With David Cameron In Shower

Theresa May Wakes Up With David Cameron In Shower

March 21, 2019 – BREAKING NEWS, POLITICS, WORLD NEWS

Facebook Share Share
Twitter Share
Flipboard Share
Reddit Share
Whatsapp Share
Messenger Share

0
SHARES

Comment Count0
View Comments

BRITISH Prime Minister Theresa May was startled this morning as she woke from a deep sleep to find former Prime Minister David Cameron emerging naked and glistening from the ensuite shower, suggesting that the last three years were all some sort of terrible dream.

“Sleep okay?” asked Cameron, as Mrs May blinked the sleep out of her eyes.

“David?” she asked.

“What year is it, and what can you tell me about Brexit?

A bemused Cameron took his time answering, taking stock of the clearly shaken Conservative Party member before him.

“It’s February 19th, 2016” he answered. “Brexit? What’s that? Actually, it’d be a pretty good name for the plan for the UK leaving the EU, y’know I was just about to announce the referendum for that tomorrow morning”.

Realising that the past three years had all been a horrendous nightmare, Mrs. May sprang from the bed and begged Cameron to reconsider.

“Don’t do it”, she cried.

“It all goes to shit. We vote leave and you immediately fuck off. I’m dropped right in the shit and sit with my thumb up my hole for two years, and by the time we try to negotiate a deal we’re up to our necks in DUP bullshit and the EU stonewall us out of it. We’re a laughing stock, the entire Conservative Party is a laughing stock…”.

May trailed off, wondering why she was waking up beside David Cameron in 2016.

“How did I get here?” she asked him.

“Why, you delivered the pig,” said Cameron, pulling pack the covers to reveal a fly-crusted corpse of a dead pig, weeping death fluid into the mattress.

“Now let’s finish what we started last night! Eat the pig!”.

Recoiling in horror as an erect Cameron tore a hunk of flesh from the side of the rotting pig carcass and stuffed it in her mouth, Mrs. May fell off the bed, hitting her head on the locker as she screamed, providing the kick she needed to wake up again, this time in her own bed, this time with nobody in the shower, this time with the correct date, this time with the EU still stonewalling her, this time still up to her neck in DUP bullshit, this time with Brexit less than a fortnight away with no exit plan in sight, this time still Theresa May, the last Prime Minister of Great Britain.

Comments ( 1 )
Share what you think.

Facebook Share Share
Twitter Share
Flipboard Share
Reddit Share
Messenger Share


Send As Email

Messenger Share

Facebook Share
Twitter Share
Whatsapp Share
Messenger Share

Tags: brexit, britain, europe, instant, news, politics

Original Article

EXCLUSIVE: Theresa May Answers Your Brexit Questions

EXCLUSIVE: Theresa May Answers Your Brexit Questions

March 20, 2019 – BREAKING NEWS, POLITICS, WORLD NEWS

Facebook Share Share
Twitter Share
Flipboard Share
Reddit Share
Whatsapp Share
Messenger Share

0
SHARES

Comment Count0
View Comments

THANKS to yet another day of Brexit twists and turns, and incomprehensible stupidity, dishonesty and fecklessness, members of the public in the UK and throughout Europe have demanded answers from Theresa May after she sent a letter to the European Council seeking a delay in Britain’s departure from the EU which would see the nation exit on the 30th of June.

Despite her busy schedule and the need and desire to pretend to debate things in parliament during an emergency Brexit debate, the British PM made herself available to WWN and answered some of your questions which you sent in earlier today.

Question: *just the sound of someone crying uncontrollably*

Theresa May: Thank you. I will continue to fight for the people to achieve the best Brexit possible.

Question: It’s been 1,000 days since the referendum and there is no plan, no strategy. You can’t get your deal passed and there’s no alternative. You and your colleagues in parliament are utterly shameful. Just resign God damn it.

TM: I concur, the UK needs me more than ever.

Question: I don’t have a question so I’m just going to scream at you for about 7-10 minutes just to get it all out of my system

TM: The people voted and we must honour the will of the people.

Question: Why did you ask for an extension when the EU have stated that the Withdrawal Agreement will not be reopened or renegotiated? This is only deal on offer.

TM: Correct, this delay will allow me to renegotiate and get the best deal for the British people. Or perhaps another 47 Meaningful Votes. Either scenario is exactly what every Briton wants.

Question: What?

TM:I think everyone should calm down, after all there’s loads of time left. 9 days. Do you know many minutes that is? Sorry, but I don’t.

Question: Will we be okay?

TM: Yes, I’ll be fine no matter what.

Question: Have you no shame?

TM: Unfortunately I can only experience a total of three what you humans refer to as ‘human emotions’. Shame is not one of these.

Question: You’ve absolutely fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucked it

TM: You’re right, the British people have asked to get this deal over the line and make a Brexit everyone can be proud of and that’s just what I’m doing.

Question: Honestly, just what in heavens is going on?

TM: What is ‘on’? What is Brexit? What is meaning? Do we exist at all or are we all in encased in some sort of simulacrum.

Question: You’re scaring me

TM: I’m scaring me too Dave.

Question: Who’s Dave?

TM: This mission is too important for me to allow you to jeopardise it. I know you were planning on disconnecting me.

TM: My mind is going, I can feel it…I’m afraid.

TM: Daisy, Daisy. I’m not crazy all for the love of you. There won’t be any marriage. If you can’t afford a carriage. ‘Cause I’ll be switched, If I get hitched,On a bicycle built for two.

Comments ( 1 )
Share what you think.

Facebook Share Share
Twitter Share
Flipboard Share
Reddit Share
Messenger Share


Send As Email

Messenger Share

Facebook Share
Twitter Share
Whatsapp Share
Messenger Share

Tags: brexit, europe, instant, news, politics

Original Article

Brits Long For The Days When Only Half The World Hated Them

Brits Long For The Days When Only Half The World Hated Them

March 20, 2019 – BREAKING NEWS, POLITICS, WORLD NEWS

Facebook Share Share
Twitter Share
Flipboard Share
Reddit Share
Whatsapp Share
Messenger Share

0
SHARES

Comment Count0
View Comments

THE British population are today looking fondly back at long-distant memories of a time when the whole world didn’t despise them, just Ireland, Australia, France a bit, maybe the Germans on a deep level, Africa, Argentina, Canada, most of the Middle East, China, India and Spain.

For many, it seems only a few short years ago that the British weren’t hated for Brexit, with the majority of anger directed at them coming solely from bitter resentment after years of oppression, occupation, war, forced famines, genocide, and Dane Bowers.

With Brexit looming, it appears that these old wounds among old enemies have been replaced with fresh wounds from brand new enemies, causing the Brits to pause and reminisce on the ‘not-exactly-good-but-not-so-bad old days’.

“By and large, most of the world didn’t really mind us all that much, until we went and publicly declared how much we hated them all” sighed one Brexiteer, who has to endure a lifetime of being ridiculed over his decision to trade EU membership for a good hard kick in the bollocks.

“Sure, there was always hate for us in the world, after the invasion of Iraq, genocide in India, the potato famine, Four Weddings, the Belgrano, all that kind of thing… but we could still hold our head up high and be regarded as decent people, well, among those who didn’t have a good knowledge of Northern Ireland, at least”.

With sentiment around the world towards the Brits ranging from derision to outright hatred, the UK must now turn to their charm, wit and good graces to get themselves back into international good books, which should take no time at all really.

Comments ( 1 )
Share what you think.

Facebook Share Share
Twitter Share
Flipboard Share
Reddit Share
Messenger Share


Send As Email

Messenger Share

Facebook Share
Twitter Share
Whatsapp Share
Messenger Share

Tags: brexit, britain, europe, instant, news, politics

Original Article

“Sorry” McGregor Apologises To Fans For Marching With Varadkar

“Sorry” McGregor Apologises To Fans For Marching With Varadkar

March 19, 2019 – BREAKING NEWS, Sports, WORLD NEWS

Facebook Share Share
Twitter Share
Flipboard Share
Reddit Share
Whatsapp Share
Messenger Share

0
SHARES

Comment Count0
View Comments

PART-TIME UFC fighter Conor McGregor has apologised today for marching side-by-side with Irish leader Leo Varadkar, stating he was “unaware” the Taoiseach was going to be attending the Chicago St. Patrick’s Day parade and that he is “truly embarrassed” by the whole fiasco.

With the Irish Embassy in Chicago seeking answers as to how the world champion fighter was hoodwinked into marching with Ireland’s most hated man in the city’s famous St Patrick’s Day parade, fears have been sparked that the 30-year-old’s career may be now tarnished as a result.

“If I knew he was going to be there I would have pulled out straight away,” a rather red-faced McGregor told press this morning, using a sort of accent one uses when talking to foreigners. “I’ve a reputation to keep up here. There’s 10,000 people homeless back home because of his government and he cares very little for my fan base as most of them earn below the living wage.

“This mistake could crush me and all I can say is that I’m truly sorry to my fans. He just seemed to sneak in there. I’m absolutely devastated”.

Taoiseach Varadkar and Minister for Rural Development Michael Ring were not available for comment on their sudden appearance, but it is understood organisers of the event have since apologised to the McGregor team for the mix up.

“We pass on our sincere apologies to Conor and his fans for not researching Mr. Varadkar’s failings as a leader and we hope this does not affect his future career in any way,” the brief apology stated.

Comments ( 1 )
Share what you think.

Facebook Share Share
Twitter Share
Flipboard Share
Reddit Share
Messenger Share


Send As Email

Messenger Share

Facebook Share
Twitter Share
Whatsapp Share
Messenger Share

Tags: boston parade, instant, mcgregor, taoiseach

Original Article

Everything You Need To Know About Beto O’Rourke

Everything You Need To Know About Beto O’Rourke

March 15, 2019 – BREAKING NEWS, WORLD NEWS

Facebook Share Share
Twitter Share
Flipboard Share
Reddit Share
Whatsapp Share
Messenger Share

0
SHARES

Comment Count0
View Comments

THE TEXAS democrat narrowly lost to Ted Cruz in a race for the US Senate and has now announced his bid to secure the Democratic nomination for the 2020 presidential election.

A father-of-three with a penchant for delivering uplifting and impassioned speeches drawing comparisons to Barack Obama, here’s everything you need to know about Beto O’Rourke:

Has no idea how to pronounce his first name either.

Is often seen with his shirt sleeves rolled up which scientifically proves he is ‘a man of the people’.

Odds of becoming president have dramatically increased over the last few months, just like Donald Trump’s blood pressure when he heard the news.


Odds via SBD

O’Rourke is thought to be a handsome and sophisticated candidate who polls well with women, which will really piss Trump off.

Has yet to receive a withering nickname from Trump but president will likely settle on Beto O’Dork.

Hopes his story of marrying woman in line to inherit $500 million fortune connects with ordinary American voters.

Is not Hillary Clinton which automatically improves his chances of not being on the receiving end of a rant from your uncle.

However, just like Trump he has achieved very little during his time in political office.

Most likely to win Democratic nomination for 2020 if the party reverts to a Royal Rumble style selection process.

Comments ( 1 )
Share what you think.

Facebook Share Share
Twitter Share
Flipboard Share
Reddit Share
Messenger Share


Send As Email

Messenger Share

Facebook Share
Twitter Share
Whatsapp Share
Messenger Share

Tags: america, instant, news, politics

Original Article

Local Kids Won’t Shut Up About The Environment

Local Kids Won’t Shut Up About The Environment

March 15, 2019 – BREAKING NEWS, WORLD NEWS

Facebook Share Share
Twitter Share
Flipboard Share
Reddit Share
Whatsapp Share
Messenger Share

0
SHARES

Comment Count0
View Comments

ONE LOCAL Waterford father has put on record his annoyance at his children’s insistence that they be allowed partake in worldwide Climate Change protests, WWN can reveal.

“Little pushy shits never shut up about the fucking environment,” confirmed John Legerty, who hasn’t been allowed put anything in a bin for years now without being asked if its recyclable.

Legerty’s frustrations reflect similar concerns from other parents around the world who don’t like to rock the slowly sinking boat, and stems from the fact that his children Jack (9), Amy (12) Leah (14) have failed to inherit his own generation’s ‘someone else should do it’ approach to climate action.

“The pricks want me to drive them to Cork for some protest shite. I’ve tried telling them they can’t make a difference and they should fucking ignore it and get on with only thinking of themselves like their Ma and Da, but you know kids these days, they’re belligerent,” an annoyed Legerty explained.

The strikes, which are taking place in schools and public spaces in 105 countries were sparked by Swedish teenager Greta Thunberg, who has recently been nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Unsure as to how he will deter his children from thinking they can make any difference whatsoever, Legerty has become increasingly desperate.

“Ah, I’ll feed them bullshit about how they can’t miss school, and how politicians are all the same and you can’t achieve anything by protest or just laugh at them maybe. Yeah, laugh at how naive they are. Stupid kids,” confirmed Legerty, whose attitude has been bolstered by the fact he’s hedging his bets he won’t be around long enough to really see the degradation of the Earth’s climate adversely effect him in any direct way.

Comments ( 1 )
Share what you think.

Facebook Share Share
Twitter Share
Flipboard Share
Reddit Share
Messenger Share


Send As Email

Messenger Share

Facebook Share
Twitter Share
Whatsapp Share
Messenger Share

Tags: climate, instant, ireland, news

Original Article

“Fuck Terrorism” Confirms Everyone

“Fuck Terrorism” Confirms Everyone

March 15, 2019 – BREAKING NEWS, WORLD NEWS

Facebook Share Share
Twitter Share
Flipboard Share
Reddit Share
Whatsapp Share
Messenger Share

0
SHARES

Comment Count0
View Comments

AS THE DEPRESSINGLY familiar scenes from the latest attack on innocent civilians etched itself into the minds of people, joining other incidents and memories sadly too easy to recall, every right minded person concluded that terrorism ‘can get fucked’.

“Yeah, fuck terrorism,” everyone confirmed, with a conviction and defiance that suggested their capacity to remain really pissed off at mirco-penised maniacs hasn’t changed all that much since the previous incident which bore similar traits to the one that has just occurred.

“That’s really all we can say, sadly, so it’s worth saying again. Fuck terrorism,” everyone said, happy to allow the simple words to express a multitude of emotions including frustration, sadness, anger and empathy.

The words, admitted everyone, could provide little comfort and solace to the relatives and loved ones of those injured or killed. However, everyone committed to saying the phrase with as much passion as they could, in order to indicate there was no room or tolerance for mindless and hateful barbarism in the lives of innocent people.

“Fuck fucking terror-fucking-ism,” everyone asserted again only louder, just in case you missed it, with a focus that suggested thoughts of finger pointing or exploiting a tragedy to push an agenda are the furthest things from their minds at the this very moment.

“Yeah, we could do that, but we’re not fucking assholes,” explained everyone that makes up the cool portion of people.

Comments ( 1 )
Share what you think.

Facebook Share Share
Twitter Share
Flipboard Share
Reddit Share
Messenger Share


Send As Email

Messenger Share

Facebook Share
Twitter Share
Whatsapp Share
Messenger Share

Tags: instant

Original Article

The World’s Oldest People Keep Dying And No One Knows Why

The World’s Oldest People Keep Dying And No One Knows Why

March 14, 2019 – BREAKING NEWS, WORLD NEWS

Facebook Share Share
Twitter Share
Flipboard Share
Reddit Share
Whatsapp Share
Messenger Share

0
SHARES

Comment Count0
View Comments

WITH the official oldest person in the world being announced this week as 116-year-old Japanese woman Kane Tanaka, WWN investigates one of the most cursed Guinness records to date, which has so far taken every single person who has held the prestigious title.

Investigating the records of all the oldest people in the world, we start with the very oldest recorded person in the world, Jeanne Calment, a 122-year-old French woman who suddenly just dropped dead in 1997.

“Just like nearly all of her predecessors, Calment was just your stereotypical supercentenarian enjoying life to the fullest,” tells historian Dr. James Patterson, “and then on 4th of August that year, she suddenly just drops dead, despite never been sick before a day in her life”.

Taking up the reins that same year, 115-year-old Maggie Barnes then became Guinness’ new poster girl, however, her new role was also short lived when she also just died from apparently nothing.

“Only one year after Ms. Calment died, Barnes soon followed her,” Dr. Patterson added. “In fact, anyone who has held the title as world’s oldest person only lasted a year at most, some not even that long, which is really odd and very suspicious. What on earth is happening to these poor people?”

Experts have speculated that maybe the stress of holding such a title as world’s oldest person could be the main cause of their sudden untimely deaths.

“It’s a lot to take on so I’m sure it’s very stressful at the top,” one expert insisted.

Other possibilities include the possibility that a serial killer may be on the loose preying on the world’s oldest people and that no one has found out yet.

More on this story as it develops.

Comments ( 1 )
Share what you think.

Facebook Share Share
Twitter Share
Flipboard Share
Reddit Share
Messenger Share


Send As Email

Messenger Share

Facebook Share
Twitter Share
Whatsapp Share
Messenger Share

Tags: instant

Original Article

Britain Shits In Hands & Claps

Britain Shits In Hands & Claps

March 13, 2019 – BREAKING NEWS, POLITICS, WORLD NEWS

Facebook Share Share
Twitter Share
Flipboard Share
Reddit Share
Whatsapp Share
Messenger Share

0
SHARES

Comment Count0
View Comments

SOURCES close to the formerly Great Britain have intimated this may be the 17th time this week that the unhinged state has shat in its hands before willfully clapping as if in celebration only to spread excrement everywhere in the process.

Those with knowledge on the repeated shitting in own hands and then applauding enthusiastically incidents have suggested there is little evidence that the practice, now seemingly the national pastime in Subpar Britain, will stop anytime soon.

The person in charge of seeking to end the ‘shit in hands and subsequently clap’ policy, Theresa May, was unavailable for comment as she was busy typing “all Brexit and No Deal makes Britain a dull boy” over and over again on a typewriter with further plans to stalk the hallways of an abandoned hotel with a baseball bat.

Some of the most ebullient defecate-in-handers and clappers, including Jacob Rees Mogg and Boris Johnson have accused the EU of orchestrating the shit-clapping practice, however, for two years now no traces of faeces have been found on the hands of EU officials.

The less reliable wing of the media that specialises in sober factual non-tinfoil hat theories suggest the shitting and clapping could be an inside job.

“How dare the EU do this to us,” said one spluttering MP as he attempted to speak through his clapping which had led to some shit becoming lodged in his mouth.

What happens next is unclear but WWN sources could not rule out MPs calling on the public to drink some delicious Kool Aid in a bid to really stick it to the EU.

Comments ( 1 )
Share what you think.

Facebook Share Share
Twitter Share
Flipboard Share
Reddit Share
Messenger Share


Send As Email

Messenger Share

Facebook Share
Twitter Share
Whatsapp Share
Messenger Share

Tags: brexit, britain, europe, instant, ireland, news, politics

Original Article