Category Archives: Spoof News

Are You A Stuck Up Snob? Take Our Test To Find Out

Are You A Stuck Up Snob? Take Our Test To Find Out

September 6, 2019 – BREAKING NEWS, WORLD NEWS

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WORRIED you might have snobbish tendencies? Do you often recoil in horror at some people, and spend all your spare time silently judging people who don’t live life to your standards and luxury?

Take our test to find out once and for all if you are a snob:

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Colombian Coffee Capsule Crop Threatened By Drought

Colombian Coffee Capsule Crop Threatened By Drought

September 6, 2019 – BREAKING NEWS, WORLD NEWS

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IN COLOMBIA, the coffee capsule harvest threatens to be almost completely destroyed this year due to a severe drought. Farmers have confirmed that the poor growth of the popular capsules have seen them form only miserable, sub-standard aluminum caps.

In Ireland, consumers now have to prepare themselves for the arrival of very small coffee capsules of inferior quality on supermarket shelves. The prices for high-quality coffee capsules are expected to skyrocket (up to €2.20 per capsule).

In recent years, highland coffee capsule cultivation in Colombia has become an increasingly important industry with ever-growing acreage. But now yields are suffering from prolonged drought with the Tassimo, Nespresso Soffio Caramello and whatever the knock-off Lidl brand one is called most severely affected.

In some growing areas, the capsules are completely stunted:

“The drought is ruining our harvest and the government does not care about the capsule, no help, nothing,” complained one farmer José Buendia.

In painstaking detail work, he carefully removes a few of the colorful capsules from the shrub by hand, examines them for coffee-capsule worms, and cleans and dries them.

Normally they are then driven by truck to the next market, from there via intermediaries further transport around the world awaits. However, this year the situation is worse than ever, according to Buendia. “If this continues, we can only scrape off most of the harvested capsules and process them into cheap brewed coffee and aluminum hats.”

This article was first published on Der Postillon.

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Tags: food, instant, news

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Bankrupt, Recently Dumped Man With Only Days To Live Glad He’s Having Better Week Than Boris Johnson

Bankrupt, Recently Dumped Man With Only Days To Live Glad He’s Having Better Week Than Boris Johnson

September 5, 2019 – BREAKING NEWS, POLITICS, WORLD NEWS

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A TERMINALLY ill man whose wife left him for his own brother has spoken of how he counts his blessings for the fact that, at the very least, he’s not having as cataclysmically awful a week as British prime minister Boris Johnson.

“I could sit here and feel sorry myself but look at that useless twat Boris, it could always be worse,” Louis Nutten (31), confirmed as bailiffs repossessed everything he owned, including the bed he found his brother making love to his wife on this morning.

Nutten’s bankruptcy, terminal diagnosis and marriage breakdown pale in comparison to the bad luck of Johnson who has recently lost control of parliamentary proceedings, lost multiple Commons votes, will be denied the chance to force through a hard no-deal Brexit, is at the mercy of Jeremy Corbyn when it comes to calling a general election and is roundly mocked by virtually everyone.

“I’m actually quite chirpy now, imagine being that neutered aimless fucker,” explained Nutten, falling off a ladder crashing through the windscreen of his car while carrying a tray of priceless crystal.

“Sure Denise left me, and yeah turns out my kid’s have actually been my brother’s kids all along and I might be dead by Sunday, and the crane I operate in work fell on top of an animal shelter crushing everything inside but your heart goes out to people less fortunate than myself like Johnson”.

Nutten, who accidentally chopped off all his fingers trying to butter some toast earlier today, said he although he wasn’t a religious man he has prayed to God to thank him for sparing him the misfortune of being Boris Johnson.

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Tags: brexit, britain, instant, johnson, news, politics

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Buzz Aldrin Admits To Cracking One Out On The Moon

Buzz Aldrin Admits To Cracking One Out On The Moon

September 4, 2019 – BREAKING NEWS, WORLD NEWS

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THE mystery surrounding a curious, gel-like substance on the surface of the moon has been solved, after veteran astronaut Buzz Aldrin came forward to admit that ‘hey, the moon is a boring place and sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do’.

Chinese astronomers had been baffled by the substance, found on the dark side of the moon by the lunar rover Yutu-2, which is currently dicking around on the moon for no good reason.

Fears of some sort of extraterrestrial being not unlike the one that killed Tasha Yar on Vagra II in the Star Trek episode ‘Skin Of Evil’ were put to rest, after the second man to walk on the moon admitted that he was the first man to wank on the moon.

“That low gravity, it’ll getcha riled up,” stated Aldrin, laughing as he recalled ‘blast off’.

“As for how it’s still up there, thousands of miles from where we touched down… well, that’s space for you. You fire off up there, it just goes and goes for miles. Fair play to the Chinese lads for finding it though, if they could do me a favour and just rub it into the ground, cheers lads, big appreciation”.

Aldrin avoided questions about where Neil Armstrong was while he was making ‘one giant spurt for mankind’.

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Tags: instant, moon, news

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LIVE UPDATES: The Slow Disintegration Of The United Kingdom

LIVE UPDATES: The Slow Disintegration Of The United Kingdom

September 3, 2019 – BREAKING NEWS, POLITICS, WORLD NEWS

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THIS IS the only place to find all essential updates on the continued and neverending political chaos the United Kingdom is gripped in as part of the world’s only case of self-imposed Stockholm Syndrome.

Need to know the ‘when’, ‘how’, ‘why’ and ‘seriously, what the fuck?’ of the slow disintegration of the United Kingdom? Then WWN is your essential news outlet. Refresh the page for new updates to find out if the United Kingdom is even a thing anymore:

Update: In a terrifying development which has struck fear and panic into the hearts of everyone across the United Kingdom their incompetent politicians returned to work.

Update: Johnson has ratcheted up his no-deal preparations by staring out the window absentmindedly for 20 minutes and forgetting where exactly he is.

Update: As quarreling about stopping a hard Brexit ‘no deal’ scenario continues, the act of Jeremy Corbyn’s Labour Party blocking the hardline Conservatives from a hard Brexit could lead to a general election which could spark a civil war, which could spark a new and different civil war within the Conservative Party as well as the Labour Party. All normal.

Update: The Daily Mail runs its now routine ‘This Man Wants To Murder Your Children’ Jeremy Corbyn front cover.

Update: Ooooh, some crying now! Pro-Remain protesters want an election to oust Johnson but going on the recent voting trends of the British public they expect the Tories to romp home with 110% of the vote with the Brexit Party’s Nigel Farage appointed to new cabinet position of Chief Foreigner Botherer.

Update: Further evidence of Johnson’s no-deal preparations and snap election readiness has been found as pictures emerge of Johnson playing with toy cars and making crashing noises with his mouth as he hurtles them into one another.

Update: the lack of brains behind Boris Johnson and Leave campaign disaster-mind, Dominic Cummings has spent much of the day unleashing his much heralded ‘strategic genius’ in the form of people leaking details about how much of a twat he is.

Update: Michael Gove has confirmed that the mass graves needed in a post no-deal Brexit scenario will have a lovely view of hills.

Updated: A legal challenge to Johnson’s attempt to prorogue parliament is being held in Edinburgh and documents obtained reveal Johnson okay’d proroguing in the middle of August but subsequently said in public he had no intention of proroguing parliament. News that Johnson is a serial liar and charlatan is set to shake the UK to its foundations.

Update: Additionally Scotland has issued a statement to remind everyone it’s fucking livid and first chance it gets it’s voting to leave the UK for real this time.

Update: The name of this blog has officially changed to the ‘lightning quick disintegration of the United Kingdom’ to reflect the current pace of things.

Update: In response to Conservative MP and former chancellor Philip Hammond’s attempts to stop a no-deal, Johnson has been seen pinning a piece of paper of Hammond’s back which reads ‘Bumder’ in ancient Greek.

Update: Conservative MP Phillip Lee has defected to the Liberal Democrats, robbing Johnson of a working majority. This evening’s emergency debate is expected to be another resounding example of the calm and edifying debate on Brexit we’ve seen the last three years.

Refresh for more updates.

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Tags: brexit, britain, instant, news, politics

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Johnson Stands On Fifth Rake Of Day

Johnson Stands On Fifth Rake Of Day

September 3, 2019 – BREAKING NEWS, POLITICS, WORLD NEWS

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UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson is on high alert for a sixth smack in the face from a rake that he has trodden on, having already received five heavy blows to the mush already today.

Johnson received his first garden implement to the face earlier this morning, as he stepped out of bed freshly rested from a big sleep after a tiring day in which he stated emphatically that there would be no general election before November, only to row back on this moments later in the face of opposition from within his own party.

The Prime Minister went on to stumble blindly into rake after rake as he went about his day, as the ‘deal or no deal’ Brexit date of October 31st grew closer by the minute, with no apparent solution to the onerous Border backstop issue in sight.

“Everyone has warned him about the rakes, but he just keep stepping on them” sighed one Downing Street employee, filling out her CV.

“Not only that, but every time he stands on a rake, he acts like he knew the rake was there all along, and that standing on the rake was his intended goal, he’s happy he stood on the rake, and that standing on rakes and letting them smash you in the face is part of what makes Britain great. Anyway, we’ll see how the week rolls on. Something tells me we’re going to need more rakes”.

Meanwhile, doctors are suggesting that the rake-face interactions Johnson has experienced may have shook something loose in his brain, as he now has a greater acceptance and understanding of just ‘how fucked the UK is under his leadership’.

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Tags: brexit, instant, news, politics

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Majority Of British Public To Be Treated For PTSD Post Brexit

Majority Of British Public To Be Treated For PTSD Post Brexit

September 3, 2019 – BREAKING NEWS, POLITICS, WORLD NEWS

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EXPERTS have claimed that therapy to treat the entire population of Britain for post traumatic stress syndrome following Brexit is to cost the Exchequer hundreds of billions of pounds, WWN can confirm.

Such was the stress brought on by three years of financial limbo, scaremongering media headlines and general chaos, the majority of British citizens will have to be treated for PTSD, post-brexit, in the hopes of somehow repairing broken Britain.

“I keep waking up in cold sweats after recurring nightmares of David Cameron calling a referendum. ‘Stability and strong government with me, or chaos with Ed Miliband. That ‘stability’ bit always echoing off in a haunting manor,” one patient opting for treatment told WWN, before breaking down into floods of tears and rocking back and forth in a fetal position, “why did he call it? Why… ? Make it all go away, just make it all go away… please, I beg you.. “.

With a population of 66 million people, the estimated total cost to treat Britain for PTSD is around £500 billion pounds, however, the emotional scars etched into the nation’s psyche are expected to never fully heal.

“I haven’t travelled on a bus since,” one man explained his trauma, “and if I see a red bus, or a bus with any kind of writing on it, I just freeze, start trembling and wet myself where I stand”.

It is yet unclear how the psychological fallout out from Brexit will affect the normal, decent people of Britain, but experts in the field believe a large majority of people will develop serious abandonment issues going forward.

“We’ve stopped saying the ‘L’ word (leave) in our house,” mother of four Mary Smith told WWN, “it just causes the kids anxiety. Yes, they’re in the late 30s and probably should be moved out by now, but they’re scared and we still have to hire babysitters for them when we leav… I mean, when they remain in the house”.

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Tags: brexit, instant, news, politics

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Revealed: The Founding Fathers Thoughts On Lightweight Magazine-Fed Gas-Operated Semi-Automatic Rifles

Revealed: The Founding Fathers Thoughts On Lightweight Magazine-Fed Gas-Operated Semi-Automatic Rifles

September 3, 2019 – BREAKING NEWS, POLITICS, WORLD NEWS

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GEORGE Washington, Alexander Hamilton, Benjamin Franklin; just three of the ‘founding fathers’ of America, who wrote the very document which shaped the United States into the nation it is today. And, if new research has shown, three men who loved nothing more than the smell of a warm assault rifle, fresh from a delivery of red-hot lead.

Although enemies of the state would have you believe that the founding fathers did not have assault rifles in mind when they passed the 2nd amendment to the US constitution back in 1791, and that the bill itself has failed to keep up with technology that went from single-fire muskets to expertly-crafted 100-round magazine drums which never jam and can be loaded and emptied with ease, a recently-unveiled document has shown without doubt that even Thomas Jefferson himself was a fan of the Armalite AR-15, the smoothest assault rifle on the market.

The research, funded exclusively by the NRA, has put to bed any doubts that average, decent Americans may have had about foolish proposals to ‘ban guns’, or ‘stop selling guns to anyone who wants a gun’, and will surely pave the way to a gleaming new future where everyone has the reliability and peace of mind that comes with the AR-15; truly one of the most wonderful products has ever gifted to the world.

“I hereby state that semi-automatic weaponry be’ith the right of every man, woman and child in America, with the exception of some black people and most Mexicans” read the newly found document, which is miraculously preserved despite its age.

“Especially the lightweight magazine-fed AR-15; truly a dream weapon. Alas, this weapon IS but a dream to us poor folks in 1790-odd, but to any American that lives in such an enlightened age where such a weapon is available, we suggest you travelleth to your nearest Walmart or equivalent store and pick yourself upeth one now”.

Lefty nutjobs have questioned the validity of the document by pointing out that it appears to have been printed with a HP laser printer, but such claims have been debunked by the fact that if the founding fathers wanted a printer, God would have surely given them one.

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Tags: america, guncontrol, instant, news

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Trump To Spend Day Watching ‘Twister’

Trump To Spend Day Watching ‘Twister’

September 2, 2019 – BREAKING NEWS, POLITICS, WORLD NEWS

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EAGER not to sound like a fucking idiot when talking about the category 5 hurricane currently bearing down on the east coast of the US, President Donald Trump has ordered a screening of the 1996 action thriller Twister in the Oval Office for himself and his ‘storm team’.

With winds approaching 200mph Hurricane Dorian has already laid waste to the Bahamas and Cuba, and concerns are being raised as to what the US government plan to do about it when it moves closer to a region where real people live.

Backing up his claims that ‘nobody knows as much about tropical storms’ as he does, Trump called for the screening of the hit action adventure Twister, rubbishing claims that there are distinct differences between a hurricane and a tornado.

“He told us ‘a storm is a storm’ and demanded we get him a TV and a DVD player” sighed one White House aide, as the Helen Hunt/Bill Paxton thriller played loudly in the background.

“He’s in there taking notes, and so far all he has come up with is a plan to cut up loads of Pepsi cans to make little propeller things to release into the storm, and a to-do list that includes ‘watching out for flying cows’. He’s pretty into the movie, and on his third viewing of it he was able to follow the plot with only a few questions and almost no outbursts of ‘why don’t these scientists just pray more'”.

Trump has also called for Bill Paxton to be brought to Washington to help with anti-hurricane plans, with the actor’s 2017 death seen as ‘a problem for someone else to solve’.

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A Complete Collection Of European Stereotypes

A Complete Collection Of European Stereotypes

August 29, 2019 – BREAKING NEWS, POLITICS, WORLD NEWS

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WITH economic uncertainties, the rise of far right nationalism, the dawn of Brexit, and Putin’s meddling, the European Union has never looked better set up to disintegrate into nothing amid acrimony, bitterness and if we’re lucky minimal violence.

So there has never been a better time to reacquaint yourself with reductive, unhelpful stereotypes that will come in handy when the business of blaming one another for our own country’s failings properly swings into action.

To play our part in helping to unstitch the fabric of relative western harmony, WWN has copy and pasted some of the most isolating stereotypes from what we presume is a Russian run website hellbent of misinformation and sowing seeds of discontent:

The French

Arrogant, cowardly. Addicted to wine, surrender. Love to go on strike. Insecure; they started false rumours about themselves being passionate lovers. Hard drinkers.

The Germans

Boring, practical, boringly practical about mass extermination. Busty women handing out beers. Think they’re in charge of Europe again. A truly beautiful sounding language. Hard drinkers.

The British

Getting on with one another harmoniously. Arrogant, ignorant, imperious (which they mistakenly think is a compliment of some sort). Believe anything if it’s written on the side of the bus. Posh snobbish neanderthal hooligans. Hard drinkers.

The Spanish

Like bickering among themselves. Bullfighting paellas. Don’t understand how the letters ‘L’ and ‘Y’ work. Sleep during the day which explains the high unemployment levels. ‘Passionate’ = annoyingly loud. Hard drinkers.

The Italians

We feel like this might have been a PR drive done by the Germans sometime during the first half of the 20th Century but…greasy? A country filled with moustachioed brothers who run a plumbing business together, known for their dangerous driving. Really embracing this far right thing. Stole the idea for pizza from Dominos. Hard drinkers.

The Dutch

Windmills, waffles, whining. Frugal. Lowland living, soon to be drowned. Clog wearing cannabis drenched bicycling flower lovers. Unlike the English, not keen on boasting about their colonialism. Hard drinkers.

The Belgians

Less famous sort-of-Dutch. Love beer and chocolate. Too many languages. Good at football (for now). Landlords to the EU. All look eerily like Tintin. Hard drinkers.

The Swedes

Attractive women. 1-in-3 Swedes star in their own bleak and acclaimed detective crime drama about women being murdered. Progressive. Run by evil feminists who believe multi-cultural vegan equality. 110% tax for the rich. Depressing dark winters. Hard drinkers.

The Austrians

Discount store Germans. Beer. Think the Winter Olympics are the real Olympics. Get none of the blame for birthing Hitler. Hard drinkers.

The Bulgarians, Czech Republicans, Estonians, Romanians, Latvians, Lithuanians, Slovakians, Slovenians

Culturally, socially and economically distinctive and diverse countries which are never lumped in together under one generalised stereotype of Communism and vodka. Hard drinkers.

The Polish

Also Communism and vodka. According to xenophobic elderly Aunts in Ireland and Britain, “there’s no one left in Poland as they all moved over here”. Thinks conservative Catholicism is a competition they must win. Hard drinkers.

The Danish

A multilayered, laminated sweet pastry in the viennoiserie tradition. Hard drinkers.

The Finnish

Sauna loving, vodka drinking depressives. Rude about it too. Hard drinkers.

The Croatians

Sun-kissed patriots. Stood idly by as Daenerys set fire to Dubrovnik. Named European capital of attractive women 5 years in a row. Hard drinkers.

The Greeks

Broken economy. Breaking plates. Home to the world’s only homosexuals islands. Invoice for inventing democracry still unpaid. Hard drinkers.

The Hungarians

Rude, pessimistic ghoulash eating, part-time immigrant haters. Budapest held in high esteem after kindly helping other European cities with the burden of giving students a cheap place to drink and vomit for the weekend. Hard drinkers.

The Irish

No defined stereotypes. Forward thinking, intelligent and attractive. Hard drinkers.

The Portuguese

Not Spain. Sound like a washing machine malfunctioning when speaking. Lazy afternoon nap takers. Fish and wine. Surprised they haven’t invented fish wine. Late for everything. Hard drinkers.

The Luxembourgers

Financial Bermuda triangle. Further research required to establish if this place is even real. Hard drinkers.

The Maltese

Population was driven off island to make more room for tax loopholes and havens. Hard drinkers.

The Cypriots

Hairy. Not Turkey. Not Greece. Hard drinkers.

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Tags: europe, instant, news, politics

Original Article